


So I Called Chad

by germanjj



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cheating, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, RPF, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-31
Updated: 2012-12-31
Packaged: 2017-11-23 03:18:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 29,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/617488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/germanjj/pseuds/germanjj
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen has a car accident, but Jared's the one who gets hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> first posted September 2008  
> my first fanfiction ever (and not edited since, so I should probably warn you, I guess ;))

~++++~

Maybe it was all Eric's fault.

The way he walked on set, suddenly so serious, eyes wide in shock. 

The way he ignored everyone asking what was wrong until he reached Jared in this little fake motel room scenery, right between the queen beds with identical flower covers.

The way he stood in front of him, pausing, then saying “Jared, don’t freak out, okay? Everything’s gonna be okay, allright? He’s going to be okay.”

Jareds ears were filled with a sudden noise, like that white noise when a TV is broken, drowning out every sound around him. All he heard was Eric saying words like “Jensen”, “car accident” and “unconcious”, and with that, the noise was turned off.

Jared's heart broke. 

Nothing else to be said about it. It just broke and the pain it caused was first hot and sharp and then ... gone. Ripped away.

One moment there was air in his lungs and feeling in his heart and the next everything was gone.

Oh my god, no, please, no, he thought. Then he didn’t think anything at all.

 

He didn’t remember much about the next two hours. He sat in a car, not knowing who drove nor who sat next to him.

Next memory was the hospital. Green walls, people around him, many people, someone asking if he was okay, maybe more than once. He couldn’t remember if he'd answered.

A clear memory was the doctor, coming out of the ER, a smile on his tired face. “He is going to be alright”, he said, “Just a mild concussion and a couple of evil bruises, but not a single broken bone. Everything is okay with his head, no interior injuries. Full recovery in a couple of days, I guess, mostly because of the shock.”

Jared's mind was blank. Still. The relief he felt came in waves. The way his body took his feelings away just two hours ago, like they were too painful, the same way his body seemed to decide now to give them back: slowly. In pieces. Testing each time if they weren’t too much for Jared to handle. 

He noticed some people now. Like Sera, who was sitting right next to him and was smiling and looking relieved with tears glistening in her eyes. Some other people were crying too. Laughing and chatting and clapping hands on each other's shoulders. 

Jared touched his cheeks. They were dry: his feelings not back with him yet. He just sat there. Like an almost drowned man, struggling to make his way back to the surface. 

A hand reached for his shoulder. Gripping hard and forcing him to stand up. Jared blinked a couple of times, until he recognized Mike standing in front of him. Tom was right behind him, concern on his face. 

“Come on, man. Time to get you back home, alright?”

Jared just looked at him, then turned his face to look down the hall, towards the ER, where Jensen was lying somewhere.

“No, man, you’re not gonna see him today, alright? He’s sleeping anyway from the stuff they gave him and you look like you need some sleep on your own.” 

Mike was pushing his shoulder now, trying to make him move. When Jared didn’t react, Tom grabbed his other one and helped.

“Come on man,” Mike winced, “if I don’t get you home and taken care of, Jen is gonna kick my ass tomorrow and looking at you now, I might as well let him. Let’s go, Sasquatch.”

Both men were practically manhandling him now, until Jared finally seemed to remember how to put one foot in front of the other.

 

So, clearly, it was Eric's fault. You don’t say things like that. You don’t start a conversation like that. Because, ‘everything’s going to be okay,’ sure as hell sounds like, ‘I don’t know how to tell you, I’m sorry, but he’s not gonna make it’.

*****

Jared noticed two things when he woke up the next morning.

The first was: he was able to breathe. Deeply and without pain, without the huge weight pressing on his chest like the day before.

The second was a little disturbing. He heard noises from somewhere in his house, as though someone else was there.

He stood up carefully, walking out of his bedroom, down the hall and into the kitchen where the noises seemed to come from.

“Mike?” He asked, with a voice that had this universal tone of, “What happened last night?", and said, “And why the hell are you making pancakes?"

“Hey, look who’s awake! You hungry? You better be ‘cause I’m not makin’ breakfast for just anybody.” He had a small grin on his face as he kept up doing ... whatever he was doing.

Jared couldn’t help but to watch the guy working in his kitchen, like he owned the place. Like it was completly normal for Mike Rosenbaum to be in Jared's house early in the morning and making. breakfast.

“Mike, what ...?” Jared tried again but failed miserably. His throat felt like it had never been used before and his mind was kind of slow on the uptake at the moment. Well, more than usual, anyway.

“Look, Jay, why don't you get your ass in the shower and make yourself pretty? ‘Cause, I hate to break it to you, buddy, but you look like shit. Breakfast will be ready by then and Jensen is waiting for us.”

“Jensen?” Reality hurt when it was slammed in your face.

“Yeah, already talked to the man while you were still sleepin’. He is totally fine and bored to hell. So, Tom has already brought him clothes and stuff and we're gonna go keep him company.”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah. I’m gonna ... shower.” 

Mike's response was an annoyed nod and Jared just turned and headed for his bathroom. 

 

After the shower that Jared had to admitt really made him feel and look better, he stormed back into the kitchen, just as Mike was saying goodbye to someone on his cell phone.

“Jay, what's up?”

“Where are my dogs?” came the almost breathless reply.

“Dude, they're at your dogsitter, where should they be?” 

“What? But how ... when ...?” Okay, he really should start working on his ability to form full sentences.

“I called her yesterday and asked her to keep them overnight. Remember? In the car on the way back from the hospital? I got the number out of your cell phone.”

Truth was, Jared didn’t remember. Not really. “Oh, my god, I forgot my dogs.” 

“Jared.” Now Mike seemed really annoyed. “You didn't forget you dogs, alright? Jensen had been in a fuckin' car accident yesterday and it could have been easily really fuckin' serious. Okay? So your mind was ... really occupied at that time. Stop blamin' yourself over shit like that and start eating or else we're gonna be late.” He pointed at the table where pancakes were waiting.

Jared nodded weakly, sat down and started eating slowly. 

Mike had this shit-eating-grin on his face. “Look! Almost like I have my own human puppy! Does everything I tell him to do. I’m really thinkin about keeping you. Maybe Jensen won’t mind.” 

Jared only had strength to answer with an angry glare as he continued eating. He was hungry after all and the pancakes really tasted awesome.

Mike seemed to let it go. Instead he took his cellphone again, pushed some buttons and waited for someone to pick up.

“Hi, it’s Mike.” – “Yeah, just wanted to tell you. Talking and eating.” – “Yep.” – “Goin to visit Jenny. You can call him later.” – “Bye, Chad.”

Jared almost choked. “You called Chad?”

“Yeah. And Eric, Tom, Sera, Kim and a couple of others. We should totally have made a phonechain, you know? Where I call someone and then he’s gonna call another one and so on. That would’ve been fun.”

“Dude, you called Chad? Why?”

“So he wouldn't storm away from set to take the next plane to Vancouver, lose his job and become a poor asshole instead of the rich asshole he allready is.”

“Stop fuckin around!”

Mike turned serious. He looked Jared straight in the eyes like he was searching for something. “Do you remember yesterday at all, Jay?”

“Well, not that much, but like you said, Jensen had been in this ...”

“You scared the shit out of us, Jay.”

Jared was stunned. He had no idea what Mike was referring to. 

“We had to call a doctor to come take a look at you, remember?” 

Jared's eyes grew wider. He didn’t. Well, when he thought back now, there was this doctor sitting next to him, asking ... but ... no, he didn’t.

“We almost got you your own room in that damn hospital, man. But the doc said it might be better for you to be somewhere familiar. So Tom and I dragged you home and I spent the night on your fucking couch, which is not as comfy as it might look, by the way. And, 'Why didn't you sleep in one of the guest rooms?', you might ask. Well, because I was way to afraid you might get up and do whatever crazy shit was on your mind last night and this way I would have at least been able to follow you.”

“But what ... I mean ... what did I do?” To say that he was confused would be the understatement of the year.

“Nothing. That's the whole point. You said nothing. Not one word. Not one sound. Even when you were asked directly, all you did was look at the person, well no, not quite, more look at the aproximate place where the person was and open your mouth. But no sound came out of it. You couldn’t speak man! You were so ass deep in shock that you didn’t even realise that you went mute for some hours!”

*****

"So uh … wanna tell me what was going on with you yesterday?“ 

Mike gave Jared a quick glance, before turning his eyes back to the street before them. He had been more serious on their drive to the hospital than he usually was. From the few words they had exchanged in the last twenty minutes, Jared had realised, that since he now knew that Jared was okay, Mike was starting to think about what had happened the previous night. And what could have happened. And that was really starting to get to him too. 

“I don’t know”, Jared sighed. And he didn’t. It wasn't the first time, that someone he loved had had an accident or had Jared worried. When he thought about Eric’s face when he told him, his heart doubled his pace and the empty feeling in his guts returned. But that was okay, that was normal. What had happened to him yesterday wasn’t. And Jared didn’t know why. Why yesterday? Why this time? Why Jensen?

“Maybe ...” Jared took a dreep breath, “maybe the last few months were just a little too much, you know? I mean with ... Sandy and my dog being sick and now this accident. I don’t know. Maybe I’m not as tough as I thought I was.” He tried to grin but it was more like a sad smile. 

Mike just nodded.

“Look, buddy, I’m just sayin’. I mean, he is your friend and you two are really close and all, I get that. But ... well, Tom and me are close to him too, and Steve and Chris and of course Danneel...”

“And you guys didn’t freak out!?” Jared snapped at him. “Is that what you’re saying? Just because there are a lot of people closer to him, I don’t have the right to worry about him? Because his fuckin’ girlfriend is able to hold it together, I’m not allowed to freak out?” Jared snorted and fought back the tears of pain and anger that threatened to built in his eyes. “Thank you very much, buddy.”

“No, man, no! Jared, this is so not what I’m tryin’ to say.” Mike made a frustrated noise as he manoeuvred the car into the parking lot and skidded to halt, the hospital entrance right in front of them. “Fuck, this all came out wrong.” 

He unbuckled the seatbelt and turned to face Jared, demanding his complete attention. “This isn't what I wanted to say,” he repeated, emphasizing every word. “A reaction like this doesn’t come out of nowhere! Yes, the last months had been hard for you, but ... maybe there is more to it, you know?”

Jared frowned in confusion. “What the hell are you talking about?”

Mike sighed and closed his eyes, made that frustrated noise again and then looked up at Jared. His tone was now gentle. “Look, just ... make sure you look after yourself, okay? I swear man, I’m just worried about you.”

“I know, Mike. And I appreciate it, I really do. But whatever it was yesterday, I’m fine now. It won’t happen again. I’m fine.”

“Okay.” Mike gave him one last concerned look, before opening the door and stepping out of the car.

*****

Jared tossed the covers to the side and got out of his bed. With a glance at the clock on his bedside table - it was half past two a.m. – he switched the light on and slowly walked to his kitchen. He had tried to sleep for hours but it seemed impossible. And he’d given up. 

He found some Chinese take-aways left, from the previous night, sitting in the fridge and he tried some bites, before putting it back. 

He had been at the hospital the whole day. When Mike had decided to leave in the early afternoon, he had gone with him, fetched his own car, stopped by his dogs for an hour and then had got back to the hospital. Jensen and him had spent most of the time just sitting in the room and playing the PS2 that Tom had brought earlier. 

Jared left the kitchen and turned on the TV in his living room. He sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote and began flipping through the channels. 

Earlier that day, when Jensen had been talking to Danneel on the phone for what had seemed like ages, Jared had taken the opportunity to call Eric. 

Eric had been in touch with the police, getting all the details from the accident, since Jensen hadn’t seen that much before was knocked unconscious. Eric had told Jared that there had been four guys in the other car. The driver had been sober but the others had been drunk. They'd had an argument over something, and the driver hadn't seen the traffic light, but had reacted as quickly as he could when he spotted Jensen's car. So when the car had hit Jensen’s right on the driver's side it wasn’t with full force. That was the only reason why Jensen just had some bruises. The only reason why he wasn’t dead. 

Jared stood up again and turned the TV off. What now? He turned around, looking for something he could do. Sort his CDs maybe? He thought about it for a minute, not even realising that he would have called himself crazy if he wasn’t ... too damn occupied with his racing mind. Okay, maybe he could look at some scripts his agent had sent him weeks ago. He only had to remember where he had placed them.

Jensen had looked good today. Well, for someone who had just had an accident. He was a little paler than normal with his freckles standing out and his moves were slower, more carefull. But everything else was normal about him. Jared didn’t know what he had expected. Maybe ... maybe a Jensen that had put his 'freak out' – as he started to call the events of the earlier day that way – into perspective: a Jensen who ... justified it. 

But Jensen had looked good. His mood was normal – well, okay, normal until he had talked to his mom, Steve, Chris and Danneel on the phone for about two and a half hours altogether – then his mood had changed into being happy about so many people caring about him and really annoyed about so many people worrying about him, all at the same time. They had joked around, been together in comfortable silence, had dinner with Sera and Kim later that day, and if it weren’t for the hospital, it would have been just like any other day off they had spent together in the last couple of years. 

And Jared was relieved. He was so happy to see that his friend was okay and when the doctor said, that Jensen had to stay for at least two nights – just to be sure – he complained with him, that it didn’t seem neccessary. But throughout the whole day, Jared couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off, wrong, and if it wasn’t Jensen then it had to be him. Mike’s words echoed in his head. ‘Maybe there’s more to it’. He still had no idea what that meant. But what if he was right? What if there was something wrong with Jared, and that accident triggered something inside him? 

Jared stopped when he caught himself pacing the living room. Somewhere in the last few minutes he must have stopped looking for the scripts and started walking aimlessly through his house. His mind was still racing. So was his heart. Jared ignored the trace of panic. No, he was okay. It was just in the middle of the night after a few really tough days. 

He had just discovered his hands were shaking a little when he spotted Sadie next to the couch. Harley was slowly walking to her, both dogs facing him. They had been sleeping in his bedroom for some hours now and Jared must have woken them with his walking in the house. 

“Hey, I’m sorry, couldn’t sleep.” His voice was shaking, just like his hands were and he suddenly realised that he was starting to cry. 

“Fuck!” He started pacing again, thinking ... trying to think about what was wrong with him. The dogs were still standing beside the couch, watching him carefully, like they could sense the emotion that their daddy was going through.

He needed to call someone. God, he wanted to call Jensen. He wanted to speak to him so badly, make sure everything was alright, or at least going to be allright. But he knew he couldn’t. Despite the fact that he couldn't call in the middle of the night when Jensen was asleep in a fucking hospital for crying out loud, what would he say? ‘Hey, sorry to bother you, I just wanted to hear your voice?’ No, definitely not. He couldn’t even explain it to himself, how could he explain to Jensen what was going on with him? No, he needed to call someone else. Someone who wouldn’t mind the time and the mood he was in. Someone with reason.

He grabbed his phone off a table in the hall, walked back to the living room and sat down next to the couch. With one hand slowly caressing Harley’s back, his face buried in Sadie’s fur, his shaky fingers pressed speed dial number three. Right before Chad picked up, Jared chuckled. Someone with reason? He really was going crazy.

~++++~


	2. Chapter 2

~++++~

Three nights in the hospital and Jensen was ready to do anything to get a little excitement. Even thinking about throwing himself in front of a car again. Okay, maybe not that, but he was there. Beside the really bad bruises, everything else was fine. He just wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed again and hell, go back to work. As soon as possible. As in, right the fuck now.

He was relieved when the nurse showed up and told him he was gonna be released in a couple of hours. Almost instantly he had his cell phone in his hand and was calling Jared to pick him up.

Jared.

Something was wrong with him. And it wasn't even him actually. Sure, he was a little less his happy, bouncy self but okay, after Jensen’s accident, they all needed some time to get back to normal; but it was the way everybody else treated him: As though he had been the one in an accident. Everytime they came to visit – and well, Jensen made sure it was a lot of times, ‘cause he was really bored – Jared was with them and they constantly threw weird looks at him and just ... treated him like a raw egg or something. 

Jensen tried to talk to Mike about it, but he didn’t say anything. Or anything Jensen believed anyway. He was even close to calling Chad but he considered it would be easier to just ask Jared right away. Once he got out. 

*****

Okay, paperwork was definitely a bitch, a motherfuckingsonofabitch to be precise (okay and other patients and hospital staff work in general so nobody could do his paperwork). Because Jensen had to stay ‘till almost nine o’clock until he was allowed to go. 

Jared had been unbelievabley patient. He waited three whole hours with Jensen, just sitting in that way too small hospital version of a chair and didn’t seem annoyed or bored one bit. Which, of course, made Jensen even more suspicious.

“Jay, you really don’t have to ...”

“Shut up, Jen. I told you, I don't mind.” Jared's reply was calm and ... something else, but Jensen couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“What about your dogs?”

There seemed to be a quick rush of ... what, guilt ...? in his eyes, but before Jensen could examine it further, it was gone. “Harley and Sadie are at the dogsitter. They stay over night anyway.”

“Why are they stayi...” But his question was interrupted when the nurse came into the room, holding a lot of papers in her hands.

“Mr. Ackles, everything is done. Sorry, it took so long. But now, you’re free to go.”

“Thank God!”

She smiled at his impatient sound. “Please watch yourself. You still need recovery time and a lot of sleep. If the bruises hurt too much, you can take the prescribed painkillers.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

She turned to face Jared. “Are you gonna take him home? Make sure he takes it easy the next few days.”

Jared nodded. “I’m gonna stay with him for the night.” Jared’s voice was clear and firm. Like it was certain. 

Jensen raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. Of course, Jared had spent a lot of nights in Jensen’s guest room, hell, Jensen had even bought a kingsize bed, when he moved into the house, knowing, that Jared was gonna crash every other night. 

“Okay, let's go home.” Jensen rose from his bed and Jared was right next to him in a blink of an eye. “Dude, easy. I can walk, you know. I’m fine” Okay, maybe he was a little too harsh to Jared, but really, the concern on his best friends face: it didn’t make Jensen worry any less about him.

*****

Jensen heard Jared walk down the hall, heading for the guest room after switching off the lights and closing the door to Jensen's bedroom. 

He was way too tired to think about the fact that Jared had all but tucked him in bed, just like his mom had done when he was younger, way younger. But the look on Jared’s face made him drop any arguments he might have started. 

 

He was almost asleep, when he heard the footsteps nearing his room. The door was opened but there was no light in the hallway, so Jensen could only just make out the shape of Jared standing in his bedroom. He seemed tense, his shoulders shaking a little.

“Jay, man what’s wrong?”

“Jensen, I ... do you mind if ...” Something was seriously wrong with him. His voice was shallow and broken, like he was trying to hold back. “Can I stay here for a little while?”

“Sure man, come in and turn the light on, would ya?” Jensen was about to change his position carefully, to sit up in his bed. His bruises were on his left side, from shoulders to hip, so he was lying on his ride sight to prevent any contact that could hurt more.

But Jared just closed the door and without turning on the light, he walked over to Jensen’s bed and Jensen felt the bed shift as a weight was added right behind him. And then he felt his friend against his back, Jared’s left arm around his body, his hand clenched to a fist right above Jensen’s heart. And his forehead pressed to his neck.

It hurt, where Jared's arm touched his bruises, but Jensen didn’t even think about telling him. Every thought left his mind when he felt his best friend’s body shake so violently and heard the sobs from his mouth, when he heard Jared breaking apart right behind him.

“Jay, why are you crying?” His voice was nothing but a broken whisper. He had never seen him like that, never. Sure, he had seen Jared cry on set, for his role, when Sam had had to cry. And after the breakup with Sandy he’d heard him cry on the phone one time. But not like this. Never like this. He sounded like he was dying, or losing someone he loved.

Jensen wrapped his own left arm around Jared’s. He covered Jared’s fist with his own hand and pressed him closer to his chest, the only reassuring thing he could think of right now. And then he let him cry. 

Soon Jared sounded like the sobs were being wrenched from his throat and were burning in his chest. Jensen could feel him gasping and taking shuddering breaths against his neck. He could almost feel Jared's gritted teeth as he tried to get a hold of himself again. But all the time it was like he was pressing himself closer to Jensen, holding on to him like a drowning man would a lifeline.

“Damn it, Jay, please talk to me,” Jensen all but pleaded when Jared’s sobs started to subside.

After another minute Jared’s voice came low and shredded. “There's a time, when ... when kids grow up and they ... when they realise death for the first time, realise that people die and go away and that they stay gone ... . Some ... most kids freak out at that. For a week or two, they are so scared ... they believe, they know that their parents and everybody they love is going to die. And they ... they can’t handle it.” There was a long pause in which Jensen didn’t dare to interrupt. “I feel like I’m going through that all over again.”

“God, Jay.” If at all possible, Jensen’s grip on Jared’s hand got stronger . “It wasn’t even that bad. I was never in any real danger.”

Somehow, Jared's answer felt like a knife being shoved through his heart. Pure pain filled his words. “Yeah,” he whispered, “but for two hours, I didn’t know that.”

*****

Jensen woke to the distant sound of Jared’s alarm clock in the guest room. Normally he didn’t wake up early without a loud alarm going off right in his ear at least three times, sometimes accompanied by phone calls from Jared when it got really late. 

But nothing was normal that morning. 

The alarm clock in the other room just continued making awful sounds, because Jared wasn’t in there to turn it off.

Because Jared was right there, lying beside him in Jensen’s bed, one hand loosely holding on to Jensen’s shirt, his face tilted towards him, and still fast asleep.

Some time last night they had managed to switch sides, when Jensen could no longer ignore the pain on his left side where Jared’s arm had been crushing the bruises. They hadn’t planned to share the bed for the night, but after Jared had calmed down, he had fallen asleep and Jensen hadn't wanted to wake him up again, so instead he had just drifted off to sleep as well.

It wasn’t the first time that Jensen had woken up next to or pressed against the giant body of Jared’s. More times than he could count in the last years, they had been lying beside each other on couches or beds in their trailers, watching TV while waiting for some set changes, and had fallen asleep when exhaustion took over. 

This morning, the expression on Jared’s sleeping face was relaxed. Jensen hadn’t moved yet, he had just turned his head to study his co-star. Jared really looked peaceful when he was sleeping. So different to when he was awake. Jared always had his emotions showing on his face for everybody to see: the blinding grin, the sparkling eyes or his brows frowned in annoyance. He could only keep his face blank when he was asked to. 

Jensen clapped gently on the hand holding his shirt, “Jay, man, come on, wake up.”

Hazel green eyes snapped open, staring at him in confusion, blinking, before looking around. Jared took a deep breath as he turned on his back, let go of Jensen’s shirt and palmed his face with both hands. Then he started to chuckle. 

“Dude, did I just wake up in your bed? Touching you?” 

“Yep,” Jensen replied with a grin, glad. Jared seemed okay again. 

“Sorry, man,” Jared turned to face Jensen and there it was: his trade mark, the blinding grin, back on his face. 

“Its okay, Jared. Come on, get up, our driver is going to be here in an hour.”

“You’re coming too?” Jared rose from the bed, while Jensen took his time to carefully get out of it. 

“Yes, Jay. We had this argument before. No filming, just normal stuff and dubbing some scenes, I promise.”

And then they looked at each other. Both standing in front of the bed, just in boxers and t-shirts, hair messed up and faces still crumpled from sleep.

Both burst out laughing at the same time.

“Dude, you touched me while we were sleeping!”

“You never gonna let this one go, are you?”

“Nope.”

“Jen, believe me, it could have been a lot worse!” Jared announced as he passed by his co-star and raced for the bathroom first. “I’m usually a cuddly sleeper. Very cuddly! I was behaving myself!” The last words came from behind the closed bathroom door.

“Dude, you’re cheating!” Jensen answered, “I’m injured here! And it’s my fucking house!”

All he heard was Jared’s enormous burst of laughter as an answer.

*****

Jensen had a really great day. A really, really good day. Everybody was nice. Everybody cared about him. Dubbing the scenes was easy and good and Jensen had no problems getting back in Dean’s head for that. He had a really good lunch with a happy and normal Jared. The weather was nice for a change and the painkillers worked perfectly. 

So, to emphasize it again: Jensen had a really great day. Right up until he ran into Eric. Eric and his inability to lie to your face, or at least, his inability to lie about everything other than his work.

*****

Filming wrapped early so Jensen, who had just finished his work for the day, was sitting in their driver's car when Jared left the wardrobe trailer and headed towards him. The change on Jared's face, the way the somehow sad, almost scared look had returned, didn’t stay unnoticed by Jensen, but he was way to angry to respond to that now.

Jared opened the door and joined his friend, immediately catching the change in Jensen’s mood. 

“Woah, you’re angry”, he said.

Jensen just glanced at him, his mouth a thin, hard line.

“At me,” Jared continued. It wasn’t really a question. “Look, if it’s about last night ... “

“It’s not about last night. ... I spoke to Eric today.” Jensen kept his voice calm. He tried to convince himself that shouting at Jared wouldn’t help the matter and, in addition to that, he didn’t want to bother their driver with their personal stuff. He waited untill the car had started and they headed home.

“What did he tell you?” Jared kept his own voice down as well.

“Oh, not much. But, you know, he couldn't lie if his mother’s life depended on it, not about this stuff anyway and I asked him about the night of the accident.” Jensen stopped talking. He wanted to give Jared the chance to speak for himself. But Jared remained silent, just watching his friend’s face, his eyes dangerously close to putting on their puppy-dog-look. 

“So, he didn’t really talk to me about it”, Jensen continued, “but now I know, you didn’t either.”

“Jen,” Jared sighed heavily. 

“Wait. It gets better.” Jensen grinned without it reaching his eyes. “Then I called Chad.”

Well, that got some reaction: Jared rose up half from his seat, a furious look on his face. “Why does everybody call Chad?!”

“Because: unlike Eric, Mike and you, Chad doesn’t have the weird, stupid protection thing that seems to be going on!” Jensen answered unable to prevent his voice from getting louder. “Because he's the one showing some reason in all this! And, oh my god, did I really just say that!?!”

Jared snorted and turned his head so he was facing the window instead of Jensen.

“He told me about the last two nights, Jay. That you called him... both nights. That he had to talk you through them, because you’ve been so scared. Both nights, Jared!”

“I’m gonna kill the motherfuckingsonofabitch”, Jared murmered angrily to the window. “I made him swear not to tell you.”

“Why, Jared, why?!” Jensen grabbed his friends shoulder to make him face him again. When he did, he added, “Why didn’t you tell me about this?”

“Because you were in a hospital, damn it!”

“You pull that hospital-card once again, Jay, and I swear ...,“ Jensen glared at him. Exactly the way Jared glared back.

“Don’t you dare act like it was nothing, Jen, don’t you dare! You had a fuckin’ car accident!”

“Yeah, but apparently, I’m not the one who got hurt!”

 

Silence fell between them. Only the sounds of their heavy breathing filled the back of the car. 

Jensen was the first who gave in. “Look, man, we’re not fifteen and I’m not Dean, alright? So ... if there's something going on with you and you need to talk about it, just talk to me, okay? Even if it’s the mother of chick-flick-moment, you talk to me. Got that?”

That earned a little smile on Jared’s face and Jensen sighed with relief. His anger was gone and he just felt really tired and exhausted. “You want me to stay at your place tonight?” He offered. “Just in case?”

Jared looked at him, hesitating, before nodding. “That would be awesome.”

*****

At one o’clock in the morning, Jensen left the bed in Jared’s guest room and walked across the hall to the living room. In the dim light coming from the lamp on the couch table, he could make out Jared sitting on the couch, rocking slightly back and forth. The TV was on, barely loud enough to hear and Jensen knew that Jared wasn’t watching anyway. His fingers were drumming nervously on the table in front of him, Harley was sitting to his left; Sadie curled up to his right. His head turned suddenly when Jensen entered the room.

“Dude, there is no way I’m sleeping in your bed with the dogs hair and all,” Jensen stated in a tired voice, “but, god damn it, if it helps you, then get your ass in mine.” With that, he turned around and slowly made his way back to his bed.

Not twenty minutes later, he was woken up briefly by Jared joining him.

~++++~


	3. Chapter 3

~++++~

On a Wednesday, three weeks of sharing a house and a bed later, Jensen didn’t know how to tell Jared the … good news. They had just gotten back from filming that day, falling in their new routine, Jared feeding the dogs in the kitchen while Jensen made some dinner.

“Hmm, ... Jay?” 

Jared looked up from Harley’s bowl, which he was just filling with some dog crackers.

“Look, Danneel called. She’s coming this weekend. Just staying for Saturday night, but ...” He left the rest unsaid. The look in Jared’s eyes told him that he already got it.

“That’s great man. It really is!” 

“Yeah, haven’t seen her in weeks. Our schedules just don’t fit at the moment, you know?” 

Jensen had to give Jared some credit though. He really did seem happy that Jensen’s girlfriend was coming to visit. 

“So ...uhm, I thought, maybe you could call Chad. He could stay for the weekend.” And you wouldn’t be alone that night. Jensen left that unsaid too. 

It wasn’t like it had become awkward between them. They just didn’t talk about it. Well, they made fun of it every now and then, especially since Jared had started to show his cuddly side so much that his dogs, honest to god, began to show some jealousy. 

It wasn’t even the fact that they had been sleeping in the same bed for weeks now. Somehow neither of them had a problem with that, they were spending their days together anyway and after filming, both of them were too tired to think about anything but food and sleep. 

But lately Jensen had been wondering wether Jared was actually okay again, or that they were just too used to the current situation to change anything about it. Or if Jared just didn’t want to face his problem, whatever it was, that had triggered these anxiety issues in the first place.

Jared had finished with the dog's bowls and he joined Jensen next to the stove. “I don’t know. It’s just one night. I should be able to get through one night now, right?” He didn’t seem too sure though.

“You wanna try? Tonight, I mean.” 

Jared nodded. “Yeah, I think I can do that.”

*****

In the middle of the night – Jensen didn’t even bother to take a look at the time – a restless and depressed Jared was standing at his door, tears in his eyes, but not spilling yet. 

“I can’t do it, man. I can’t fuckin’ do it.”

Jensen just tossed the covers to the side and made some room. “It’s okay. Come here.”

*****

The next morning Jensen had to get up early, while Jared was allowed to sleep some more hours. They were shooting a Dean heavy episode and Jared was only needed on set in the late afternoon.

So, when his cell phone alarm started vibrating, Jensen woke up to find a real heavy and warm Jared completely draped over him. Jared's arm around his waist, one leg trapped under his and Jensen could feel his breathing, deep and even, against his neck.

Jared was still fast asleep, the alarm hadn’t woken him up, but then again, it had been a long night for Jared. As carefully as possible, Jensen tried to untangle himself and leave the bed without waking his friend up.

He almost managed to get away with it, but suddenly Jared shifted and opened his eyes to look at Jensen before falling shut again. “Don’t go,” he groaned, or that was what Jensen could make out from the muffled noises.

“Gotta go to work, dude. You sleep.”

“Not without you,” Jared answered more asleep than not, but also trying to wake up.

Afterwards, Jensen was sure he would plead temporary insanity or blame the early hour and his pre-coffee status, but he really wanted Jared to get some more sleep, so before he could think about it, he took his shirt off, put it on the pillow next to Jared’s face and watched as Jared snuggled into it and fell back asleep in no time.

*****

They met a couple of hours later on set. Jensen was on a short coffee break when Jared arrived, an awkward, shy smile on his face. 

“I don’t know what’s weirder,” he started, “that you did that, or that it actually worked.”

Jensen snorted at that and smiled, turning slightly away from Jared at the same time to hide his blushing face.

“So, I called Chad,” Jared continued, voice now more serious, “he’s coming.”

*****

That Friday night, everything was set. Jensen was going to fetch Danneel from the airport early the next morning and Chad would be arriving a couple of hours after that. Jensen had moved some of his stuff back to his own house, and had a cleaner in, to make sure it was nice and comfortable again, seeing as though nobody had lived there for a month. 

But the last couple of days, Jensen hadn't been as excited as he should have been. He was looking forward to seeing Danneel again, and he was really looking forward to spending some time with her, talking to her. Just having her around had always made him feel good. 

But on the other hand, Wednesday night had proven that Jared really wasn’t okay and that what they were doing simply wasn’t helping him at all; they were just avoiding the subject. It was weird, but somehow Jensen felt like he had failed his friend, and he didn’t know what to do about it. He had the feeling that the coming weekend was not going to be as much fun as it should.

 

They were at Jared’s house, together with Tom and Mike, and were just hanging around and drinking some beer. Since Mike had left Smallville it had become a rare occasion, for all four of them to get together. Somehow, being unemployed, Mike was even busier than before. 

They all had had their share of alcohol, apart for Jensen, who hadn't wanted to get wasted, what with his girlfriend arriving the next day. But he'd had two beers, and in the company of three drunk friends, Mike being one of them, they were all at the state where things got ... interesting.

“I’m so not talking to you.” Jensen punctuated the phrase by pointing at Mike. 

Mike, who was sitting in front of him in one of Jared’s huge armchairs, looked puzzled. “But Dude, you spoke to me all night.”

“Well, I changed my mind.”

At that, Jared threw his head back and barked that enormous laugh. He was more lying on the couch than sitting, his feet resting against Jensen’s thighs.

Tom, who was sitting in the other chair, just grinned stupidly.

“And neither am I talking to you.” Jensen did that pointing thing again, this time directed at Tom.

Tom just kept on grinning. “I have no idea what you’re talking about, my friend.”

Jensen didn’t doubt that. Tom might have been a smart guy while sober, but drunk, his IQ reached the level of room temperature. 

So he kept on talking to Mike. “You lied to me.”

“When did I lie to you?” Mike tried to sound offended, but had to force back the chuckle that was building in his chest.

“About the night of the accident.” 

That earned a generall groan from all his friends. 

Then, Jensen began thinking that maybe he must have had more beers than previously thought, or that he was just getting to old for this, because he didn’t even know why he had brought up the subject. But as it was, he was currently angry at them and he wanted to let them know that. 

“You didn’t tell me anything about Jared that night! You’re my friend, you should have told me.”

“Dude, give them a break,” Jared said softly, gently kicking Jensen’s leg.

Jensen cought the way Mike’s eyes were bouncing between Jared and him, and the low chuckle following.

“What?”

Mike just shook his head, seemingly amused, “Just ... you guys are so funny.”

“What’s so funny, Rosenbaum? I had to call fuckin’ Michael Murray to get some answers!” 

The angrier Jensen became, the more fun his friends seemed to have.

Mike and Jared laughed again and even Tom was giggling in his chair.

“They’re just trying to help, dude,” Jared sighed.

“Well, they’re not helping. And neither are you, Jay.”

“What?” Jared was laughing in disbelief, “Why are you mad at me now?”

“We’re avoiding the real issue here, Jay,” Jensen stated, catching a weird glint in Mike’s eyes, accompanied by a mammoth smirk, before he focused on Jared again.

His friend was frowning and his eyes looked sad. 

“I know, man,” he answered unhappily, “I can’t sleep in your bed forever.”

Mike’s, “Whoa?” and Tom’s, “What?” were cut off by Jensen’s answer, “Dude, I don’t mind having you in my bed! But not for the wrong reason!”

The room fell into dead silence and it occurred to Jensen that he maybe should have rephrased that sentence a little bit. 

 

Suddenly Mike jumped up from his chair, his face all cheerful smiles. “Well, Tom, that’s our sign. Guys, it was a real great evening with you, but you have so much going on tomorrow, and it’s really late now. We'll find our way out, don’t worry.”

He walked towards Tom’s chair and grabbed the bigger man, trying to get him on his feet. 

While getting up, Tom shot glances first at Jared then at Jensen. Then he turned to face Mike, “Are they doing it?” he asked in a loud voice that might have been a whisper if he hadn't been totaly wasted.

“Mike?” Jensen asked, sounding confused and threatening at the same time.

Meanwhile, Mike had managed to get Tom standing, and he started to push him towards the door. 

“Hey, Jen, it’s cool. Everything’s just peachy,” he continued, in a voice that would put a cheerleader to shame, “You two, ... I’m happy, we’re happy, if you are ... And my congratulations on figureing it out, man, Jay, really, awesome, dude, gotta give you credit for that one. In this business, it’s not easy, but, man, we got your backs and everything.”

Tom and Mike had reached the door; the grin, now wider, was back on Tom’s face. 

“Mike!” 

“Jen, buddy, we love you guys, but...” and with that Mike’s tone got whiney, “this is so not our business. We’re out, see you guy’s in a bit.” 

 

Two seconds later Jared and Jensen were staring at the closed door. Then they turned to each other.

“Did they just assume... .” 

“I guess, they did,” Jensen answered in disbelief. 

Another second passed by, and then both of them burst out laughing.

*****

Two hours later, they were lying side by side in Jared’s huge guestroom bed, the room pitch black and quiet.

“What is the right reason, Jen?” Jared asked in a low and innocent voice. 

Jensen groaned. “Dude, you know what I meant.”

Jared giggled. He always turned into a fourteen-year-old girl when he was drunk, “Yeah, I know. Just messin’ with ya.”

Jensen turned to face Jared. Although he couldn’t see him in the dark, he could feel Jared's breathing stir the air. “But they got a point.”

Jared froze. “They have?” he asked carefully.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s just not normal what we’re doing here, you know?”

“You’re just trying to help,” Jared’s words were barely audible.

“The things I do for you,” Jensen sighed dramatically.

“Shut up!” Jared’s laughter filled the room.

It was at that point, that everything suddenly switched back to the right place again for Jensen. He began to feel excited to see his girlfriend, as well as the comfortable and natural feeling of having Jared next to him. Everything was going to be okay.

 

Suddenly, a hand grabbed his chin and he jerked back when he felt Jared's wet lips on his cheek, making loud smooching noises.

“Urgh, dude, gross!” Jensen pushed him back but couldn’t help laughing with his friend.

“Let’s just have a kick ass weekend,” Jared suggested after Jensen heard him getting comfortable on the other side of the bed, “we'll worry about everything else after that, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen said, turning on to his other side and shortly after, he fell asleep with a smile on his face.

*****

It was still early when Jared woke up the next morning. The other side of the bed was empty but when he reached over to touch it, he could still feel some heat lingering to the sheets. The sun was not high up yet, so the light in the room was gloomy and warm. 

Jared turned to face the door, when he heard someone coming in.

“Hey, didn’t mean to wake you,” Jensen said quietly with a soft smile on his face. He must have just come from the shower: his body was wrapped in just one of Jared’s huge towels, his skin still shining from the heat.

“’s okay,” Jared answered in that same quiet voice as though none of them wanted to disturb the early hour with loud noises. He crawled out of the bed lazily, his eyes only half opened.

“How’s your head? Hungover?” Jensen looked at Jared, getting some clothes out of the drawers. After the first couple of days, when it had become clear that Jensen was going to stay longer than expected, he had put his stuff in the drawers in the guestroom, instead of living out of his bags.

“No, I’m fine actually.” Jared said, leaving the room and heading for the bathroom.”Just wanna pee and brush my teeth and then I go back to bed again.”

And so he did. He tried not to wake up entirely, just wanting to stay in the warm, fuzzy half-asleep state of mind he was currently in. He just wanted to get rid of the bad taste in his mouth and then crawl back into his warm, comfortable sheets.

When he got back to bed, Jensen wasn’t there. He must have gotten his clothes on and was probably in the kitchen having some breakfast right now. Jared got under the blankets; head on the pillow on Jensen’s side of the bed and drifted back to sleep slowly.

A few minutes later he was woken up again, when Jensen came back.

“Sorry, man,” Jensen mumbled, giving Jared a quick smile as an apology, “forgot my watch.”

“It’s on your bedside table." But Jared reached for it anyway and handed it to his friend.

“Thanks.” Jensen dropped the cell phone, he had had in his hand, onto the table and put on his watch: the watch Jared had given him for his birthday.

“Don’t you have to go? I mean, it’s gettin’ late, isn’t it?”

Jensen shook his head in response to Jared’s question and settled down on the edge of the bed, his hips touching Jared’s thigh through the blanket. “Her flight is delayed. She’s gonna call as soon as she know’s when she’s gonna land.”

“Oh, okay.” Jared’s eyes fell shut again but he could still feel Jensen’s eyes on him so he forced them back open.

His co-star and friend for so many years now was sitting there, wearing a look on his face that Jared couldn’t quite read. 

The light is doing something good to him, Jared thought abruptly. He knew Jensen was pretty but with that warm light on him; it made his skin look softer, his eyes glistening emerald green. 

He was wearing a normal pair of jeans and a shirt, both freshly cleaned. His hair was still a little wet against his neck and he smelled like a mixture of soap and a small hint of after shave.

Jared inhaled deeply, closed his eyes and made a small moaning noise in the back of his throat. “You smell good, Jen,” he said softly, smiling, and when he opened his eyes again, he saw his friend smile too.

But there was still this ... other look on his face.

“What’s wrong?” Jared asked sleepily, his eyes remaining on his friend.

Jensen seemed to hesitate. He kept looking at Jared, before he palmed his face and rubbed his eyes in one smooth motion and then looked at him again. “I’m screwed, man.” 

There was a sad smile on his face now and Jared sat upright, showing his friend that he had his full attention. “What is it?”

“My girlfriend is coming, man,” Jensen started slowly. “And I’m really looking forward to see her, I miss her. But right now... ,” he took a deep breath. “all I wanna do is stay right here with you.”

 

Jared had his right hand on Jensen’s neck and his lips against his friend's, before he was even aware of his pounding heart and the bittersweet feeling in his stomach. 

He gently moved their lips together, feeling the sudden intake of breath by Jensen, but he didn’t jerk back, didn’t push Jared away.

And then, finally, Jensen leaned into him, into the kiss and Jared moaned softly, let his eyes flutter shut, when his friend’s hand curled into his hair.

He hadn’t known that he wanted this. Hadn’t known that the sweet taste of Jensen’s lips, the smell of his skin had been everything he had craved for; maybe forever. But now that he had it, he couldn’t stop the sensation that pulsed through his entire body.

Jensen moved against him. He gently stroke through Jared’s long hair, pressing him closer at the same time and then he took Jared’s upper lip between his and gently licked and nibbled.

Oh, god, those lips.

Jared moaned again, louder this time, and let himself fall back onto the bed. His right hand still around Jensen’s neck and his left now grasping his hip and making him follow. 

Jensen didn’t let go of Jared’s lips, still teasing and sucking and gently flicking his tongue over them, first the upper one, then the lower and then moving up again. 

Jared’s heart thundered in his chest. Oh, god, Jen, was all he could think.

When Jared was lying flat on the bed, Jensen was right above him, his knees on either side of Jared’s thighs, his hands copying this position beside Jared’s head. The only parts touching now were their lips and Jared’s hand, still clinging to Jensen’s neck.

Suddenly Jensen broke the kiss, gasping for air and Jared could feel him panting against his cheek.Their eyes found each other, locked and Jared’s breath stopped, just from seeing Jensen’s swollen lips and his eyes, dark with full blown pupils. Jared couldn’t help but to groan, this time saying, “God, Jen”, before reaching for the other man's face again and starting to trail sweet, little hungry kisses along his jaw and down to his neck. 

His left hand was slowly caressing Jensen’s face, just with his fingertips, feeling that beautiful skin that smelled and tasted like everything Jared had ever needed and wanted and loved. And when he brushed against the small stubble of Jensen's cheeks, it made his fingertips tingle and made him want even more.

Jensen had started talking. Or rather babbling things, that Jared only understood the second or third time. He was saying things like, “Jared, no,” and, “Please, we have to... FUCK... we have to stop,” and, “Please, Jay, stop”. 

But he was panting just like Jared and moaning and not moving as Jared continued exploring Jensen’s skin. But Jared couldn’t stop now, even if he wanted to.

“Please, Jay,” Jensen started again, trying to sound stronger, but still not moving, “please, we have to stop.”

“Make me,” Jared all but growled in a deep voice thick with arousel. 

And this time Jensen did move, and he returned the groan and cupped Jared’s cheek with one hand, pressing his lips down, forcing Jared to part his own and then his friend’s tongue slid against his and both shuddered from the contact. 

 

That was the moment when Jensen’s phone chose to start ringing.

Both men snapped apart and they stared at each other, completely frozen. The only noises in the room was their heavy breathing and the loud, accusing ringing of the phone. 

“Oh my... god.” Jared stared at Jensen’s shocked face, just realising himself what just had happened. 

He had just kissed his best friend, best male friend, his co-star, who was about to fetch his girlfriend from the airport. His best friend, who was in love with someone else. And the way he had kissed him, the way it had started, he had almost forced ... . Jared barely managed to withhold a flinch from the sharp pain he felt, clenching his heart and chest together. 

Very carefully and slowly, still wearing a shocked expression on his face, Jensen crawled off of Jared, grabbed his phone and walked to the door. He must have almost run, because a few seconds after that, Jared could hear him answer the phone. Outside of Jared’s house.

~++++~


	4. Chapter 4

~++++~

At four o’clock on Sunday morning Jared’s cell phone rang and the sudden noise startled him so much, that at first he didn’t realise that it was his phone.

Not that he was sleeping at that time of the night. He fortunately wasn’t shaking with fear or on the edge of crying, thanks to Chad, who was sitting next to him on the couch. From the look on his face Jared could tell his friend was tired as hell, but he kept himself awake, watching some stupid rerun of a football match they both knew the results of and Jared was really grateful for that. 

But trying to sleep would have meant being all alone with his thoughts. And then the guilt would come, the shame, the insecurity and then, finally, the fear. He knew he couldn’t handle the fear right now. Not with Jensen so far away. And he didn’t mean the geographical distance.

“You taking it or what?” 

Chad had shifted off the couch, and was standing in front of Jared and offering him the ringing cell phone. Jared grabbed it and nodded. “Sure.”

“I'll go check if I can find something edible in your fridge,” Chad mumbled sleepily and lurched towards the kitchen.

Jared checked the caller ID.

Shit. Jensen.

For two seconds he, honest to god, thought about not picking up. Ignoring it and then telling Jensen – whenever that would be – that he hadn't heard it because he had been asleep.

Rolling his eyes at his own childish behaviour, he picked up.

“Jen, hey.”

“Hey, man, how are you?” Jensen’s voice was a little slurry and low and Jared immediately pushed down the weird, new feeling in his stomach that responded to that sound.

“I’m ... fine, I guess?”

“Not sleeping,” Jensen stated matter-of-factly.

“No, but Chad’s here keeping me company and ... I’m alright. Jen? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?” 

 

Jared’s heartbeat was at racingspeed now. Billions of possible scenarios raced through his mind, and almost everyone would leave them hurt in the end. And not friends anymore. 

What if Jensen wanted to talk about it? About the kiss? What if he demanded an explanation from Jared? Because despite all the things Jared was willing to give Jensen, that wasn’t one of them. 

Explaining would mean having to think about it. And that was the last thing Jared was willing to do. Because if he did; if he thought about that, about his feelings; if he labeled them, named them and put them in a catogary, in a box with a title on it – he would probably name the one thing he could never have. And lose everything else. 

He had been at this point, two or three times during the last three years. It always lingered at the back of his head, waiting for the kill, but Jared had always managed to push that away. And it was okay. He worshipped the things he had. His life, his beautiful girlfriend - who he had loved very much - his job and the friendships he had, especially his friendship with Jensen. 

And even now that Sandy wasn't his girlfriend anymore, he knew he would never do anything to put his and Jensen's friendship at risk. 

So this morning had just been an ... accident. It didn’t have to mean anything; there was no need for Jensen to freak out. No need for him to call their friendship off.

God, please. 

Jared had freaked out before, when he thought he would lose Jensen. Losing him like that, well, now it wasn’t almost as close but still, close enough.

 

“Well,” came the low chuckle from the other end of the line, “I’m calling you because your company there, well, he called me and threatened to kill me in my sleep, if I didn't.”

“He what? Fuck, I’m sorry Jen, I didn’t know. I didn’t tell him anything.”

“I know, man. Doesn’t need a genius to figure out that you and I ... got in a fight. Even Chad can see that.”

“I’m so sorry, Jensen. I’m so sorry that he woke you guys up. He’s such an asshole sometimes.”

“Sometimes?” Jensen chuckled again. “Nah, don’t worry. Had my cell phone on light signal, so Danneel didn’t wake up.”

“Oh, ... okay.” And Jared ignored the sting of jealousy. Maybe Sandy wasn’t his first reason to deny his feelings anymore, but there were a lot of other reasons left.

“So, you’re gonna be okay?” Jensen asked cautiously.

Jared didn’t answer right away. There was a question he had to ask first: “Jen, how bad is it? Between you and me?”

“I don’t know,” came the silent reply and Jared flinched as though Jensen had just punched him in the guts. Well, he sort of had.

“Okay, for the record, I’m just gonna say something, but only because you wanted me to talk to you, no matter what.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t wanna lose you.”

“You’re never gonna lose me, Jay.” The answer came without hesitation, firm and strong and Jared felt relief washing through his body. “You’re family.”

And maybe Jared was a damn girl or had just gone crazy but he couldn’t fight back the tears in his eyes. 

He knew Jensen. And he knew what saying what he had just said, meant. He wasn’t saying that he loved Jared like a brother or something like that. He wasn’t referring to their ... situation at all. Being enclosed in Jensen’s concept of family only meant one thing: No matter what happened between them, no matter how things were going to turn out, he would always care about Jared, always love him and always be there for him. And to Jared, that meant more than anything else.

“Dude, don’t tell me you’re crying.”

“I hate you.”

“Ahh, no you don’t.” Jensen laughed silently. “Look, I’ll come back tomorrow night. Make sure the dogs weren’t near my bed.” He paused. “But, we can’t ... .”

“Yeah, I know. Thank you, man, really.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow then.”

“Bye, Jen.”

“Bye, Jay.”

 

When Jared put back the phone on the table and looked up, Chad was leaning against the living room door, wearing an annoyed and tired look on his face. 

“So, I’m not gonna kill him. Good. Can I go to bed now?”

Jared laughed. Maybe he would let Chad get some sleep before he made him pay for calling Jensen in the middle of the night, behind his back.

*****

It felt weird:

To wake up alone in the huge bed, in Jared’s guestroom, without Jared next to him. 

To actually miss Jared being beside him.

 

Monday morning, Jensen sat nervously in the kitchen. Breakfast was ready and it was so late, that if Jared didn’t get up in the next ten minutes, they would be really late on set.

But that wasn’t the only reason Jensen felt so damn nervous.

Yesterday everything had been really close to being fine. Jensen had considered the ... events of Saturday morning as just a weird accident. Maybe their subconcious minds had been curious or something. Maybe it had been inevitable: what with all the people assuming, those fangirls out there who wrote those crazy stories about them, and hell, even Kim who had a lot of fun teasing them about that stuff. It was like someone telling you not to think of a pink elephant; which was just humanly impossible.

So, of course, Jensen had thought about it. But there was a big difference between thinking about something and then actually considering it. 

And he never had. Even at that moment, what he had said to Jared, that he wanted to stay with him instead of going to fetch Danneel, well, it had just been expressing his feelings. He hadn’t thought any further than that, hadn’t thought about how it might have sounded like to Jared. 

Hadn’t thought what it might mean for him.

 

Harley trotted into the kitchen, giving a Jensen a brief look, and then stopping right in front of his bowl.

“Hungry?” Jensen went for the dogfood and gave Harley what he wanted. “Where’s your daddy? Still sleeping?”

Harley ignored him completely, too occupied with eating his breakfast, so Jensen got back on his chair, glancing at the watch and mentally giving Jared five more minutes before he would wake him.

 

It had been strange: going to bed alone yesterday. To sleep in separate beds after so many nights of sharing one.

But what was downright creepy and confusing, was how Jensen had felt this morning when he had woken up: grumpy, cold and fucking lonely.

And he was in no way ready to admit the reason for it.

 

After a couple more minutes, Sadie came into the kitchen, but this time Jared was right behind her.

“There you are,” Jensen greeted his friend, “you had four more minutes until I would have dragged your ass out of bed myself.”

Jared groaned sleepily and started to fill Sadie's bowl, who was waiting patiently. “’s too early,” he stated and his voice was rough and low.

And it made Jensen think of that morning - when Jared’s voice had sounded almost the same, but because of a completely different reason. 

A shiver went through Jensen’s body and he shook his head to try to clear his mind again. He was so not going there.

But he had to admit, it wasn’t easy to ignore. Because Jared looked like he had that morning. Sleepy, with that lazy smile of his on his face, his hair a ridiculous mess and clothed with only a t-shirt and boxers.

“So you ... uh, did sleep? Well, I mean?” 

Jared smiled at that, like a five year old at Christmas morning. He nodded. “It wasn’t much and it wasn’t perfect, but I slept on my own, the second night in row, after weeks of not being able to, man.”

Jensen returned his friend’s smile. “That’s great.” And then, forcing the fucking jealousy out of his voice, “If I had known that Chad could make you feel better, I would have fucking called him sooner.”

Jared gave him a confused grin, walking over to the table and taking the seat opposite Jensen’s. He shook his head as he reached for the coffee that was next to Jensen’s hand, brushing Jensen’s wrist and saying: “It wasn’t Chad. I mean, I’m glad that he was here and all, but what helped me, in the end, was you.”

And that was it.

Jensen’s power of denial flew straight out the window. Jared was so close, always fucking close, and right now, he felt like he had that morning, he smelled like he had that morning. And him saying things like that? Jared was always saying things like that, but now it was driving Jensen’s mind crazy and making his heart flutter. It was like everything that had been before, everything they had been before, had all been erased by that fucking morning.

Jared had touched him a million times, but it had never before had this effect on him - making his skin burn and his chest clench and his breath hitch. 

And, god, who was he kidding? Maybe there was a big difference between thinking and considering. But Jensen must have jumped the consideration part and gone right on to the cantstoppleaseneverstopgodgottahaveyouJarednow. His words that morning might have been different, yes, but he knew that he wouldn’t have stopped if the phone hadn’t interrupted.

And that was the scariest part. Three days ago he had been sure, he had known that he was straight. But right now he couldn’t even tell how far he would have let them go. Or if he would have stopped it at all.

 

“Me?” came the slightly breathless and delayed reply. 

“With what you said. That I was family.” Jared smiled shyly at Jensen. “I don’t know. Maybe something just clicked. Put everything in the right place again.”

Jensen was stunned. Despite all the confusion in his head and in his heart, a warm feeling filled his chest. “What, you didn’t know that? What you mean to me?”

Jared just shrugged and went on with his breakfast. “I guess it’s different to hear you say it.”

“Dude?”

Jared looked up, curiously meeting Jensen’s eyes.

“The permission I gave you to have chick-flick-moments? Can I take that back?”

Jared’s mouth spread into a wide grin, before he started laughing, loud and whole-heartedly as always.

Jensen let silence fall between them. It felt comfortable again, like all the numerous times before, and he felt the relief wash through his body. 

We're going to be okay, Jensen thought.

 

But without them really noticing, everything went downhill from there.

~++++~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> additional author's note: I think at this part I should remind everyone that this is pure fiction. Not just because of the people I talk about, but because of something else: The anxiety Jared's is going through in this story, is in real life a real serious issue and the only right thing to do would have been asking for professional help. I just didn't wanted to go that far in my story, so I thought, well, all Jared needs is Jensen. ;-) take care!


	5. Chapter 5

~++++~

Routine took over again.

Shooting required most of their time and concentration. The days got longer: more stressful and exhausting. The nights got better for both of them: Jensen got used to sleeping alone again and Jared improved with everyday. It only took five more days before his old sleeping habits came back: no fear, no stress, no nightmares. 

But Jensen didn’t leave. At first it was because they wanted to wait, to see if Jared really was better. And then it was just because the right time never came for Jensen to move out again. He thought about it sometimes, lying awake in his bed at night: that it wasn’t normal. That he shouldn’t be living in his friend's house when there was no reason for it anymore. But Jared gave no impression at all that he wanted him to leave. And the mornings and evenings spent together felt so normal, just an extension to what they had on set. After spending up to fifteen hours a day together, a couple more barely felt different. 

So Jensen stayed. The first weekend he flew back to L.A. alone, to visit Danneel, for the next two he went to see his family at home. But every Sunday night, he would go back to Jared’s house, to his room, the dogs and Jared.

 

And he didn’t notice the changes in their relationship at first. He didn’t want to. He was too busy to deal with his own damn feelings: that he didn’t want to leave, but that he would have to, finally. That with every day he spent at Jared’s house, it got worse: so much harder for him to deny his true feelings. And to hide them from his best friend. 

He didn’t really notice until a day, about a month later, when Kim wanted to have a word with him after shooting. Kim seemed serious and had that look on his face. A look that he often wanted Jim to wear when he played Bobby; a face that said something like, ‘I’m really concerned, my son’.

“The new tension between you guys works really great on camera, Jensen”, he said quietly, “but I would rather see you guys play it.”

Jensen wanted to protest, to deny, but Kim sounded as though he was ordering Jensen to get everything right between Jared and him, not like he was questioning it in the first place. So, for some reason, Jensen just nodded.

Because Kim was right: there was a weird new tension between them. On the one hand, they had grown closer. Living together had made their relationship easier in some ways, more subconscious in the way that they moved and acted around each other. But on the other hand, they had drifted apart. Jensen could no longer read his friend like he had always been able to, couldn’t tell what was on Jared’s mind if his life depended on it and he was well aware of the fact that Jared had stopped his loads of touching and invading Jensen’s personal space. They had stopped the casual conversations about girls and girlfriends and sex. Everything that could be related to that morning, had become a taboo between them.

In many ways they had become so cautious around each other.

Jensen groaned on the way back to the makeup trailer. Their friendship was so fucking fragile at the moment and it was slipping right between their fingers. Jensen could already feel the ache and the pain building in his head and neck, as his mind was finally coming to terms with the fact that he was losing his best friend.

 

Jared was already waiting in their car, tired himself after the long day wearing Sam’s skin, but he caught the uneasiness on Jensen’s face, when he slid in beside him. 

Jensen found an almost comfortable position, with his head against the cold glass of the car window and he closed his eyes. He tried to have as much space for his body in the car without having to touch or brush against Jared – a habit that had started unnoticed between the two of them and was now impossible to just ignore.

“What’s wrong with you?” Jared’s calm voice broke through the silence of the car. Not even the sounds of the streets and other cars passing by seemed loud today. With the division up between them and their driver, it felt a little like they were in their own small and silent world.

“Just a fucking headache and my neck hurts like a bitch.” Jensen groaned in frustration as if to emphasize his point.

After a couple more moments of silence, Jensen heard Jared inhale deeply. “You want me to give you a massage? Maybe it’ll help a little.”

Jensen’s eyes snapped open, looking in his friend’s face, checking whether he was joking. Not that they joked about stuff like that anymore anyway.

He almost said no. He wanted to, he knew he fucking had to, but then he remembered Kim’s words and damn it, they were alright! Jared used to give Jensen neck massages before that morning a couple of times and it hadn’t been a big deal then. So surely it wasn’t one now.

“That would be awesome, Jay.”

“Turn around.”

Jensen did as he was told and sitting up, he turned his back to Jared. He took his jacket off and let his head hang between his shoulders. 

A second later he felt Jared’s warm fingertips on his neck. Only that. Jared was still sitting away from him, not close enough for Jensen to feel anything but Jared’s fingers on his skin.

Jared knew what he was doing. With firm strokes and just the right amount of pressure, he worked on Jensen’s neck. Up and down, from the hairline to the collar of his shirt.

Jensen couldn’t help but groan as the pain started to fade slowly. 

“Working?” Jared’s voice seemed to come from far behind him and Jensen just nodded.

Then Jared got to the sides. With his huge hands he stroked over Jensen’s temple, while his thumbs pressed down the line of his neck. 

Jensen couldn’t stop moaning at the touch. Jared’s hands felt so great, so warm and strong and Jensen leaned further into the touch, unconsciously seeking more pleasure from Jared’s hands.

And then, without warning, Jared’s hands were gone, replaced instead by strong arms that wrapped around Jensen’s chest and waist, and the next second he was being pulled from his position and being pressed to a warm and strong chest. 

For the first five seconds, neither of them moved. And maybe due to Jensen not moving, Jared took it as permission, because he moved his right hand to lie flat over Jensen’s heart, moving in slow, easy circles. His other hand continued stroking Jensen’s temple.

And Jensen relaxed into the touch. Maybe it was the exhaustion of the day or the pain in his head or maybe even that he was just so damn tired of avoiding Jared’s touch and denying himself what he wanted so badly, but he let it happen.

With his head against Jared’s shoulder and his back flush against his friend’s chest, feeling the rise and fall, and steady, strong beat of his heart, Jensen let his eyes fall shut and sighed.

The silence fell between them again. With Jared’s right palm caressing circles on Jensen’s chest, his left hand wandered below his ear, behind it, making Jensen’s blood rush in all the wrong places. But Jensen didn’t move. His mind was so clouded with the tiredness and the sensation of Jared’s soft touch that he didn’t even think about it.

“God, I missed you.” Jared’s words were all breath, no sound. “I miss you having close, I miss you in my bed.”

His words tingled in Jensen’s ear, raising goosebumps on his neck and arms and shoulders. And with all the replys he could have come up with: shrugging Jared off, laughing, joking, getting angry, begging not to go there again, please not there again; he said the one thing he couldn’t take back: the one thing that would have concequences.

“Me too.”

 

Jensen felt Jared’s body fall still. But before either of them could react to the words that had been exchanged, the car suddenly stopped; the drivers door was opened and closed causing the guys to rush apart, just before the door on Jared’s side was opened and their driver announced cheerfully: “That’s it, we’re there. Have a good night guys and see you tomorrow morning.”

Trying to act as normal as they could, both men got out of the car, nodded and mumbled their driver a goodbye and walked to Jared’s house. 

They didn’t speak; they didn’t walk close to each other. They just went inside the house as if nothing had happened. The dogs were bouncing and barking happily, greeting Jared as enthusiastically as Jensen. 

“Gonna take a shower,” Jared announced and was gone before Jensen could reply. So Jensen did what he always did when they came back. He gave the dogs food and fresh water and then rummaged through the fridge for something that would work as dinner.

When Jared came back, just wearing jeans, his hair still dripping wet causing Jensen’s eyes to linger just a second too long on the broad shoulders, he had found something to eat for both of them but wanted to hit the shower first.

“You can lay the table,” he ordered Jared and his friend just nodded, looking at him with dark eyes and making Jensen wish he could fucking read his friend like he had before.

The shower made him feel better, his head ached less and he wasn’t on edge as much as he had been before. Clothed in clean jeans and a t-shirt, he entered the kitchen again, spotting Jared in the living room, still shirtless. Is he trying to kill me?. The dogs were with him though there were no sounds of wrestling and no laughing. Jared was awfully quiet.

The table was set so Jensen got back doing his part and began making lunch, snorting at the thought that they already had the duties slip between them. 

 

He was at the kitchen sink, washing his hands and turning the faucet off, when he heard the kitchen door being closed, bare feet on the floor, and for a second he just felt the heat of a body behind him before Jared was pressing his body against Jensen’s, pinning Jensen’s against the counter.

A stiffled sound came from Jensen’s mouth. Jared didn’t move, maybe waiting for Jensen to shove him away, call it off, but Jensen’s brain wasn’t that fast and even if it was, the connection between his mind and his coordination had just been cut. 

Because Jared was pressed against him, so fucking close, from ass to shoulders, that Jensen could feel every rise and fall of their chests and couldn’t tell where his body ended and Jared’s began. He could hear someone panting already and didn’t know wether it was him or Jared or just both of them.

He could feel Jared’s rockhard cock pressed against his ass through the denim of Jared’s pants and his pants and if Jensen just moved a little, he could probably make Jared moan and groan and make sweet little noises that Jensen wanted so desperately to hear right now. 

Oh my god.

But still neither of them moved and Jensen was in no way in control here, pressed against the sink, his own erection painfully trapped in his jeans.

“What are you doing?” Jensen managed to say, but it was fucking close to a girly whimper.

“What you want.”

And Jared moved even closer, thrusting up once against Jensen’s ass, his tongue circling around Jensen’s earlobe before he bit. Hard.

“Holy shit!” Jensen's hands grabbed the counter, trying to hold on to something, his own hips rocking unconsciously against the sink and then back into Jared. The low sounds and hitched breaths his friend was making right into his ear, made Jensen moan and bite his lip, letting his eyes fall closed.

“Want you so bad. Wanted you all the time,” Jared started babbling, while licking Jensen’s earlobe gently and then biting again, before travelling down under Jensen’s ear, along his neck, kissing every spot open mouthed and hungrily, “Wanted you when I was in your bed, wanted to kiss and lick and bite and fuck you every goddamn second of every goddamn day.”

“Oh my ..., fuck!” The words made Jensen’s knees buckle and he held on tighter to the sink. “Jesus, Jared!” he moaned out loud. 

“Wanted you to say my name like that.”

Jensen couldn’t concentrate on what Jared was doing, the sensation created in his body, the fucking needwantmorenow, was too overwhelming. 

In all the same movement, Jared’s left hand grabbed Jensen’s on the sink, while his right slipped beneath Jensen’s shirt, finding his right niple and slowly caressing it. His mouth found that weak spot on Jensen’s neck and he started licking and sucking and biting it, then travelled down, all this time making a noise between humming and moaning and the sound vibrated through Jared's chest and then through Jensen’s. 

A full body shudder, damn close to a fucking orgasm, made Jensen’s eyes snap open again. “No, Jared.”

Jared moved his mouth up, going for that weak spot again and continued to suck it, on the edge of painful and ohsogood.

“God, yesssss,” Jensen all but screamed and he wasn’t even aware that he wasn't making any sense anymore.

“See,” Jared whispered in his ear, his voice dark and already sounding fucked out. “If you want me to stop, say it and I’ll stop, I promise. But this time,” he bit again and Jensen squirmed against him, “mean it.”

Jensen lost all coherent thought after that, whimpering, moaning and panting, he rocked against Jared behind him, meeting every shallow thrust his friend made. 

 

Jared’s hand moved to play with Jensen other nipple, the right one already hard and swollen. His tongue traced a wet path from Jensen’s one ear to the other, every now and then returning to that perfect spot, biting and sucking it, marking it; marking Jensen.

Jensen was a squirming mess under Jared, completely encircled by his friend’s giant body, his huge arms and hands, holding him strongly and unyieldingly.

But when the hand on his chest suddenly began moving lower and lower, finding his belt, opening the buckle and then going for the zipper, reality crashed into Jensen like a freight train. And with it came all the reasons why he shouldn’t do this.

“Stop Jared.” The words sounded more like, ‘yes, Jared’, so, after a few seconds of regaining his control over his voice, he tried it again. “Please, Jared, stop.”

That sounded better. And it earned a whiny moan from Jared, like a child whose parents were denying him his favorite toy, that he just wanted so bad.

“I mean it. Please. Stop.” 

And Jared did stop. He stopped moving entirely. Jensen could feel him pressed all the way against him, panting breaths flowing over his neck, Jared's nose still buried in Jensen’s hair.

Slowly, very slowly, Jared let go. First, his right hand vanished from Jensen’s pants. Then his left stopped the rock hard grip on Jensen’s hand, and moved away. And finally, like Jared was fighting fucking magnetism, he took one slow step back. Two. And then three. 

Jensen could hear panting behind him. Hell, they both sounded like they had run a marathon. But Jensen didn’t dare to turn around. As if copying Jared’s movement, he slowly let go of the sink, taking one step back before he turned and left the kitchen. His eyes were glued to the door in front of him, but he could see Jared in his peripheral vision, motionless, like a fucking statue.

Entering the hallway, Jensen felt like he could breathe again for the first time in what felt like hours. There was no Jared, no weight of his presence, pressing Jensen down, taking up all the room and all the air, leaving it hard to breathe. 

Both of the dogs walked up to him, their ears at weird angles, as though listening, like they sensed that something had happened.

Jensen ignored them, going straight to his room. Without thinking, without even pausing to question it, he grabbed his bag from under the bed and started packing. 

There wasn’t that much stuff he had brought here so it didn’t take much time to put everything in it, take his bathroom toiletries and call a cab.

 

“You’re leaving.” It was more of a statement than a question, and Jared’s voice was still so low and dark that it sent another shiver down Jensen’s spine. 

“Yep.” He passed his friend at the door, being careful not to touch him and he let his bag fall down near the front door as he searched for his jacket, shoes and his wallet that he had placed somewhere int he house.

“So, that’s it?” This was more of a question and the sound of it made Jensen look up.

Jared was standing in the hallway, with a shirt now on , his arms folded in front of him, the arousel in his eyes not completely gone but mostly replaced with something that could either have been anger or pain.

Anger bubbled in Jensen’s chest, deep, dark and burning, how dare Jared look like the victim? “What I said - that you’re not gonna lose me - I meant it. And I’m not gonna take that back. But this isn't fair game here. You can't do what you want with me! Test your fucking sexual orientation on me or whatever this is.”

Jared’s eyes grew wide in disbelief. “What? You think that’s what this is about?” 

Jensen could hear the anger in Jared’s voice too. He didn’t answer.

“If this is about Danneel, about your girlfriend, I’m sorry, I’m not proud of it but I don’t care! I’m past the point where I fucking cared. I want you.” Jared's eyes were steady on Jensen’s, not blinking, not giving in.

Jensen had found his shoes and started to put them on. “If it’s not Danneel you care about, you should at least care about us, our friendship and the way you’re destroying it.” Jensen held Jared’s gaze as well and flinched when he saw the coldness in the other man's eyes.

“Not much left to destroy, is there?”

That sentence fell heavy between them, suddenly stealing all the air out of the room again. Jensen looked away, grabbed his bag and jacket when he heard a car pulling up in front of the house.

“If there’s anything you wanna save between us, you might stop and ask yourself why you're doing this to me.” 

He heard Jared’s soulless laugh behind him and it hurt more than anything else before.

“I would, if you asked yourself why I can do this to you,” came Jared’s reply and the next moment Jensen was out of the house, the door closed behind him.

~++++~


	6. Chapter 6

~++++~

Jared made his way slowly to his seat in the first class section of the plane. It was still early - about six in the morning - and the sun shining directly through the little windows made his eyes hurt. He hadn’t slept well. God, he hadn’t really slept at all.

For exactly eight days he hadn’t been sleeping that well. It wasn't as bad as it had been after the accident, but that was just because Jared didn’t let it get that bad. He was ... trained now. He knew what he had to do when he felt the fear slowly crawling back. And that included distractions and not trying to sleep when he was alone at night. So, he slept in the car on the way to set, in the trailer between takes and he had slept almost the whole weekend.

Jared spotted Jensen in one of the seats. They had a tight schedule: down to L.A. that morning, meetings with some network officials and then some huge network party where almost everybody was invited and neither of them even had the slightest chance to not be there. Eric, Sera and all the others were already in L.A., Jensen and him had to take the last flight possible. Due to Jensen’s accident and an ... event last week, the shooting was already a few days behind. And they had to take the first flight back to Vancouver come morning. 

So, if their schedule hadn’t been that tight, there would have been no way in hell that Jensen would have taken the same flight that Jared had.

 

At that early hour, the plane seemed to be filled to the last seat and Jared had no option other than to take his seat next to Jensen’s. They didn’t greet, didn’t nod at each other, just exchanged quick glances as if to acknowledge each other's presence. Jared climbed to the seat next to the window as Jensen had the one on the aisle. 

Jared thanked God that they had first class seats, so the seats weren’t that close to each other and were big enough to get some privacy. Not only from the other passengers who would definitely sense the ... heated atmosphere between them if any recognized them, but also from each other. Being in each other's personal space was the last thing either of them wanted.

“You look like shit,” Jensen mumbled to him and Jared didn’t even bother answering. Because answering at the moment was a bad idea between them. Hell, everything between them was a bad idea these days.

And Jensen was right: Jared looked like shit. But it was not even close to the way he felt at that morning. He had never been this exhausted, or this fucked up, in his life. Not when he first came to L.A., scared of all the new things going on and homesick for the first time, and not even after Sandy broke up with him. Never. The last eight days had been living hell.

They hadn’t talked to each other for three long days. Sam and Dean had. Jensen and the new director, the makeup-girls and the PAs, Jared and the director, Sera and some people from catering, all of them had. But never Jensen and Jared.

The first day nobody had been brave enough to ask them what their fight was about. They'd had one fight before, during season one, and that one wasn't similar at all to the current one.

 

Jared shifted his position to get more comfortable in the seat. His eyes fell automatically to Jensen’s neck. To the mark Jared had left there. He couldn’t stop himself from watching the hickey he had sucked into Jensen’s flesh, filling him with shame and guilt and ... something else that was always right there with him. 

Of course, that was another huge reason why Jensen was beyond enraged when it came to Jared. That mark was clearly visible, dark and slowly fading, for everyone to see and since the whole crew knew that Danneel hadn’t been in town the night before it'd appeared, they all had logicaly jumped to the conclusion that Jensen had cheated on his girlfriend. And the last thing that would make the situation better between them was for Jared to admit that he had done that. That he had marked Jensen.

Jared actually felt himself stare at the spot: how his eyes locked on it like there was nothing else to see. Felt the salt on his lips again, the rush of blood pulsing under the skin, heavy against his tongue and he needed all the self-control he had to fight the pure desire just to lean in and do it all over again.

Jared tore his eyes from Jensen and closed them with a heavy sigh. But even with closed eyes he was still extremely aware of the man next to him, felt every small shift of his body, heard every sound of his breathing and smelled again that mixture of soap and after shave. And all those perceptions attacked his body like a force of nature and Jared’s ability to fight that had worn down in the last days to almost nothing.

He changed his position in the seat again, to hide the reaction of his body and with the failing attempt to get some space between them. Because it wasn't only the physical part that Jared had to deal with. Most of the time when he (accidently) looked at Jensen, he didn’t know if he wanted to punch him, jump him, or just pull him into his arms and never let go. 

And Jared truly hated Jensen for doing this to him. He had been able to lock all this inside him for years. He had pushed it so far back in the corner of his mind and heart that he had barely even been aware that it was still a part of him. And then one mistake, one kiss, and all the walls he had built were trembling. 

And yes, he had been the one who had started this, but Jensen had been the one who had kissed him back like there was tomorrow and Jensen had been the one who'd forced his lips apart and slipped his tongue inside his mouth and ... damn it. 

Jared shook his head to get rid of the memory, the feeling of Jensen, and the taste of him.

And there was a God somewhere because right then the plane started rolling down the runway and the flight attandants announced that they were going to take off pretty soon.

 

But it wasn't long after they were in the air, that his mind travelled back to the past weeks. After that kiss, he'd thought they had gotten back to normal. They hadn’t talked about it, of course they hadn't, but Jared had put all his strength into pretending that everything was okay, in pretending that his walls were firmly in place again and he'd really thought that he'd succeeded. 

But after a couple of days, he had noticed the change in Jensen’s behaviour. The weird looks he was giving Jared, especially after that weekend with Danneel. He refused to come too close to Jared, didn’t talk as much to him as he had. So, Jared had backed off too. He'd tried not to touch Jensen too much, not bother him in any way. Fighting the pain it caused, he thought he had given Jensen exactly what he wanted: distance. 

And that was also the stage when Jared noticed the changes in himself. One day on set, he remembered clear as day, he had seen Jensen talking to some crew member. He didn’t know what they had been talking about but Jared had seen Jensen smile at that guy, an honest, sweet, little smile and Jared knew right then that his walls weren’t intact anymore. He could feel the cracks and holes already. 

The one thing I can never have.

It had a name now. It’s name was Jensen.

 

Jared reached for the headphones and found some music channel he thought he could fall asleep to. Without it, he knew he would be way too distracted by every sound Jensen made. And he needed some sleep really badly.

His sleeping problems had restarted right after the night Jensen had left. And it was the same night when Jared had realised that he could never take back what he had done, what he had said. After the kiss there might have been the possibility to remain friends, a couple more weeks maybe and they would have been just Jensen and Jared again, co-stars, friends, family. But, Jared had made damn sure that that road was sealed.

 

And somehow it was kind of the same thing he had said to Jensen on the third day after.

They had started working with a new director for that particular episode, someone who had never worked with either Jensen or Jared before. The first two days he had held himself pretty well with the new situation, trying his best to keep the boys busy and in Sam’s and Dean’s heads. But at the end of the second day he was damn near crying. 

And on the third day, a pissed-as-hell Kripke had shown up, watched the mess for less than five minutes and then had sent almost everybody home or to second unit. 

But Jensen and Jared had been sent to training and fight rehearsal. Jared assumed that he had done that because he had hoped that it would help ease the tension between them, that they could fight it out physically rather than with words.

But that wasn’t at all what had happened. 

Jared couldn’t even remember how it had started, but one second they were rehearsing some moves and punches, and the next he was in the middle of a shouting match with Jensen. 

After not talking to each other at all for seventy hours and with Eric, two trainers, three stunt guys and a couple PAs as wittnesses, they'd both lost it and started screaming at each other like they were all alone.

“You’re a fuckin’ hypocrite, Jensen! After the accident you’d been so pissed at me that I wasn’t talking to you and now you’re doing the same damn thing!”

“Well, this isn't exactly the same situation, is it?!”

“You promised me that I was never going to lose you, but that's exactly what happened the last few weeks! And you haven't let me do anything to change that!”

“Oh, now everything is my fault?”

“I freaked Jen! I thought I had lost you already!”

“So, you thought since there was nothing to lose anymore, you could just grab what you wanted? Get some satisfaction before you go?!”

Jared imagined the pain of a gunshot would hurt the same way as that sentence had. After that there was just blind rage and pain and Jared had said many things he wanted to take back so badly now.

“Oh, like you hated it so much, Jensen!”

“This is exactly what you don’t get, Jared: That's not the fucking point!”

“How can that not be the point?”

“What, you think we can just go with it? See, where this is gonna lead? I’m not gonna let you use me, Jay! I don’t know about you, but I have more to lose than just a ... reputation!”

“Oh, and you think I don’t care about anything at all, huh? Well, thanks man, you’re a really good friend.” 

It could have ended there. Jared could have walked away and besides that unsightly scene they'd made, no one had been harmed seriously.

But Jared didn’t stop that day.

“You asshole! For three fucking weeks, you made me think you were disgusted by me, that you didn’t trust me, hell, even that you were afraid of me!”

“Why the hell would you think that?”

“Because you changed! Damn it, you treated me like a fuckin’ plague or somethin’ every time I came near you. And when I found out that I’d been wrong, I lost it, okay?I thought that you wanted it, too. I’m sorry as hell, I am, believe me and I know that I can never take back what I’ve said to you.”

That was the only apology Jared ever managed to give Jensen. But if he was able to say it out loud or not, there was nothing else in his life that he regretted more than the last couple of weeks.

“I know what I've done, Jen. But you are the one who changed! You promised me you wouldn’t but you did!”

“Jared, you kissed me! That changed everything!”

And then an angry shout of, “Silence!” had stopped them. Both men had turned around and seen Eric, standing next to some crew and stunt people.

“Everybody. Out. You didn't hear a damn word in here today. And if I ever get the feeling that one of you can’t keep his mouth shut, I will make damn sure that none of you get a job on this continent ever again,” Eric had said in a low growl and Jared would never admit it out loud, but at that moment, he had been truly afraid of the guy. So had everyone else apparently. In a sudden rush, everyone had jumped from their current position and made their way to the front door. 

“And you two,” he had said turning to Jensen and him, “You take the next days off. I will see you on Monday. And you damn well get this whole shit figured out!”

Well, apparently, they hadn’t. Back on set on Monday, they'd only made a very fragile truce: not shouting at each other, but not speaking either. And either the news had really not been spread or all the other crew members deserved an extra fee for their talent as actors. Because no one had bothered them with questions or even weird looks or silent whispers behind their backs. Just the sadness and worry had been in everybody’s eyes, showing, that they all had been effected by the constant bad vibe between their two male stars of the show.

 

“Dude, can you stop the squirming?” Jensen shoved the headphones off Jared and glanced at him angrily.

“Tryin’ to sleep. Hadn’t all night.”

And maybe it was the defensive way Jared answered or the fact that they were trapped in a plane with some strangers and forced to be quiet, but suddenly the anger that'd seemed to vibrate from Jensen’s body for a whole week, was gone. A concerned look appeared on his face.

And in response to that, Jared felt the anger fall away from him too. All that was left was weakness, tiredness and the desperate need of a break from his own life.

“Just let me sleep,” Jared whispered, still defensively.

“Is it back?” Jensen’s concern was real and Jared wondered if that was all they had needed: just one of them giving in, one of them admitting, showing that this was really getting to him; to end this madness between them. 

“Not as bad, but ... yeah.”

Jensen palmed his face briefly and sighed. Jared looked closer at him. He hadn’t seen him that much the last days; had tried to ignore him when he had. So now was the first time in a while that Jared had really looked at the other man and he could tell, that it was getting to Jensen as well. His face was paler than normal, his eyes looked tired and his expression was just as exhausted and worn down as Jared felt.

“Is this ever going to be okay again?” Jared didn't look away this time, when Jensen’s eyes met his and it sent a shiver down his spine. He'd even missed the eye contact over the last days.

“I don’t know,” was Jensen’s hesitant answer and Jared just nodded. “I’m just not into the friends-with-benefits-thing.”

“Is that what you think I want?”

“Do you even know what you want?” Jensen watched him closely with that question. 

And that right there, asking Jared to think about his true feelings, was Jensen planting dynamite on Jared’s walls. This time Jared broke the eye contact and focused on the clouds outside. 

And all the past weeks had worn him down so badly, all the never ending fights with Jensen, all the anger, the denial, the ongoing tension, the need, the guilt and the shame; that Jared was just seconds away from bursting out crying, pleading and begging right there on the plane in front of everybody. 

“All I want is my best friend back.” His answer was choked and so quiet that he almost thought Jensen might not have heard it, but than he felt the other men tense next to him and the next second he felt a hand grab his and and the strong hold made him face Jensen again. 

The sad look on his friend's face made his heart clench even more. 

“I don’t know if I can go back.”

Jared nodded again, the tears rolling from his eyes freely now. “Okay.”

Jensen shook his head, looking desperate and forlorn and heartbroken at the same time. “It’s not okay. It’s fucked up. It’s beyond fucked up. But that’s what it is right now.”

Jared took a deep breath, wiped his eyes dry and straightened up in his seat. “God, I’m a mess,” Jared tried a silent laugh. “I definitely need some sleep. Or the officials aren’t gonna let me go back to Vancouver and fire me right there.”

“Here.” Jensen grabbed the blanket from the back of the seat in front of Jared and draped it over his friend. It wasn’t nearly big enough to cover all of Jared’s body but curled up in the seat as he was, it did well. Then Jensen went for the blanket in his seat and put it on his shoulder, folded and squeezed it until he seemed to be satisfied.

Jared just looked at him questioningly.

“Lay your head down, come on,” Jensen insisted seriously. 

“You sure?” 

“No. But you do need some sleep and it’s gonna be a long day. And it worked before, didn’t it?”

Slowly, Jared nodded and put his head on Jensen’s blanket-covered shoulder. He didn’t think he would even be able to breathe properly doing this, but once he had found a comfortable position and had forced his eyes closed, he felt that he started to relax. 

Inhaling Jensen’s scent, feeling the rise and fall of his chest and being able to stop the constant fighting for the first time in days, had him asleep in no time. 

 

Jared woke up, when he felt fingertips slowly caressing his cheek. 

“We’re gonna land soon.”

Jensen’s husky voice washed over him and made his eyes open slowly. Jensen’s were right in front of him, wearing an uncertain look, his brows furrowed in confusion. 

But his fingers were still gliding over Jared’s face, gentle and soft and Jared couldn’t move, couldn’t even tell if he was still dreaming or not.

Jensen’s whispersoft touch went from one cheek to the other, his finger slowly gliding over the bow of Jared's brows, feeling the swing of his nose and the softness of his lips.

When Jensen’s finger brushed over Jared’s bottom lip he couldn’t stop his tongue flicking over Jensen’s fingertip, tasting the salt, tasting him. 

He was aware of Jensen’s deep intake of breath, the nervous flutter of his eyelashes. But it was when Jensen leaned down, when Jensen’s lips brushed his, when Jensen kissed Jared, that Jared felt the last wall break. 

Jared turned his head away. He sat up in his seat, pressed his right hand over his eyes and pleaded: “No, please no. Please don’t do this to me. Not again.” 

He knew damn well that he wasn't making any sense and when he glanced over at Jensen, who was staring at him shocked and confused, he knew that he had fucked this up. Again.

~++++~


	7. Chapter 7

~++++~

"God, Ackles, get movin’!" Mike was already one block ahead.

Jensen threw a longing look back at his friend's house, before turning around and trotting after him. 

The network had decided to have one of those big parties to start off the new season, where all the actors, directors and crews were invited and they were basically celebrating their successes. The location was a huge villa and even the road had been closed by the police to ensure all the press, paparazzi and fans had to stay away. And said villa was only two blocks from Mike’s house and that was one of the main reasons why Jensen stayed with him for today.

Jared was staying with Chad and that had sparked an awkward scene at the airport, with Chad and Mike parking right beside one other, waiting to fetch their friends and then having to drive off in different directions. Mike had just shaken his head and said, “This is beyond ridiculous.”, before exchanging an annoyed look with Chad while Jensen and Jared had quietly taken their seats in different cars.

Mike was clearly angry with him. Jensen knew that both Jared and himself meant a lot to Mike and that it upset him to see them in this kind of situation. Not that Jensen had told him anything, but Mike was a smart guy and he figured that his friend had a faint idea about what was really going on. So Mike had played the nice guy for the last couple of hours – after the boring meeting with some network people, where basically only Eric and them were talking and Jensen and Jared had tried to stay in each others presence without giving anything away – and Jensen was thankful for the break. His mind and his heart were riding two different rollercoasters and he couldn’t grab hold of either of them.

“Hey, m'boy Tommy!” Mike excitedly greeted Tom and then Kristin who was also standing on the front entrance of the house. 

Suddenly a warm feeling floated through his chest. He'd just realised how awesome his friends were. Throughout the last weeks so many had called him, first after the accident, then, weeks later, a couple of them had heard rumors about some tension between Jared and him and they had called again, checking if he was okay. But none of them had pushed him to explain. Mike had assured him that they were going to be fine again, Tom had offered to kick Jared’s ass, if he had done something wrong and Steve had just told Jensen to call if he needed anything.

The only one he had talked to - really talked to - had been Chris. And it had been one of those short, perfect conversations that was exactly what he had needed at that time. 

“Hey, Chris. Look, man, kinda need to ask you somethin’.”

“Shoot.”

“What would you say, if I told you I might have fallen in love with a guy?”

“Then I would say, if it’s legal somewhere, you can love whoever and whatever you want.”

“Dude, you do realise, that that includes an awful lot of weird shit?”

“Yeah, what can I say? I’m an open-minded guy.”

And that had been it. Jensen hadn’t had to tell Chris who he had been talking about. He had known that Chris had known it all along.

 

“Hey, guys.” Jensen reached the group and greeted Tom and Kristen as well. Tom gave him a huge smile and a manly clap on the back and Kristen a big hug. “Hey, Jensen. Where’s Danneel? Is she coming?” 

Jensen shook his head when he answered her question. “No. She’s in Australia.” 

And something in his tone must have been off because Kristin gave him a cheering look and said, “Heard you and Jared aren't speaking at the moment, huh? Let me tell you: You guys gonna be okay, Jensen, I know it. You’re like soulmates or somethin’.” Then she smiled and all four entered the house. 

It was right then that Jensen realised that it wasn’t just a problem between Jared and him. This was goddamn epic. Everybody seemed to suffer with them, like it would change their lives if Jared and he weren’t friends anymore.

 

Inside it was already pretty crowded. Jensen spotted a lot of familiar faces but none he wanted to say more than hello to, so he decided to get himself something to drink. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to stay sober during a semi-official party or if he needed to get wasted to get through this night. 

He hadn’t even reached the bar yet, when he felt the urge to turn around. 

Jared.

He had just entered the hall, Chad behind him. He would have looked beautiful with the dark jeans and the black shirt, if it hadn't been for the look on his face. It showed no expression and knowing Jared, it was taking a lot of effort for him to keep it that way. 

Jared looked up and their eyes met briefly before Jared turned and headed in the opposite direction. Jensen’s heart raced in his chest. He felt stupid for reacting like a teenager who had just seen the person who he had a huge crush on. His skin tingled and suddenly he remembered the soft press of Jared’s lips against his, the hot wetness of his tongue on his neck and the soaking heat of his body against his own. And although he was fighting it as hard as he could, he knew that what he really wanted was just to feel that again.

Jensen wondered vaguely when it had became okay for him to think about Jared that way. 

 

He felt a sting in his chest when he saw Jared vanishing in the crowd. 

He noticed a second too late that Chad wasn’t following Jared; that Chad was walking right towards him.

Jensen groaned inwardly and prepared himself for whatever Chad was up to now. The younger man didn’t hesitate to take the seat next to him when Jensen sat down on the bar. 

“Hey, Jensen.” 

“Not here, Murray, not now.” 

Chad smiled at him without it reaching his eyes. “Nah, I just wanna ask you a question.” He leaned towards Jensen. “Exactly how stupid are you?”

“Excuse me?” 

“Do you really think Danneel and I aren't talking to each other? I mean, at all? We're in the same show, for fuck's sake.” 

Panic flooded through Jensen and he froze in place.

“I mean she’s not going around and telling everyone, of course and she does everything to keep it out of press ...”

“This is none of your business, Murray,” Jensen threatened through clenched teeth. “Shut the fuck up, or I swear I’m gonna start throwing punches and I don’t give a shit who’s gonna see it.”

Chad’s face stayed indifferent. He wasn’t at all impressed by Jensen’s threat. But his voice dropped lower as he leaned forward some more.

“Dude, you broke up with Danneel weeks ago! And you didn’t tell anyone. You didn’t tell Jared.”

Jensen closed his eyes to force back every emotion that threatened to break out of him. He remembered every minute of that conversation like it was yesterday. He remembered the shocked expression on her face, the pain in her eyes and her tears. And it hurt him now like it had hurt him then.

“Dude, why didn’t you tell Jared?”

“Because he has nothing to do with it.” Jensen’s reply was weak and all it got was just an angry snort from Chad.

“Oh, come on! He has everything to do with it. You know it and I know it and, hell, even Danneel knows it.”

And there it was again, that memory that screamed in his head. 

“It’s Jared, isn’t it?” Danneel had wiped her tears off her face and had looked Jensen directly in the eyes. His shocked expression must have been answer enough.

“Oh, God, I’m so stupid.” She had said to herself and Jensen had wanted to say, ‘No, you’re not. I am the stupid one here’, but he hadn’t been able to say one word.

And then she had looked up to him again. “You know, Sandy and I, we had known that this would happen. We talked about it and we agreed that we would just take what we could get for as long as possible. But then ... . I knew about the break up between Jared and Sandy before you did, Jensen. Because Sandy called me before and when I asked her why, she told me that she wanted to leave while it was still her decision, you know, on her terms? She’s a smart girl.” The last words had come out choked.

“I’m so sorry.”

Danneel had nodded and smiled. “I know you are, Jensen. I know. And I’m sorry too. And for the record, I don’t think that this could have hurt any less. But I’ll be okay.”

 

“Did you tell him?” Jensen forced himself to ask Chad.

“Who, Jay?”

“Yes! Did you tell him? Have you told anybody? What do you wanna do now, Murray? Tell the world? Tell everyone that Jensen Ackles is fuckin’ bisexual and in love with his co-star? Hell, do it right now, Murray, ‘cause everybody’s already here!” 

Suddenly an arm snaked around his chest and clapped him gently on his shoulder. “Easy, buddy. Calm down. You don’t wanna do this here." Chris' familiar voice was right behind him and Jensen felt himself calm down a little bit. He had no idea if he had spoken loud enough for anyone else to hear, but no one was throwing looks at them, so apparently everything was fine.

“You underestimate me, Jensen”, Chad said low and seriously. “And you owe me an apology for that one.” He slid off the bar stool and turned to leave. “And of course I haven’t told him. That’s your damn job.” 

 

Chris took the stool Chad had left seconds ago and watched Jensen with a concerned look. “You okay?”

Jensen nodded briefly. “When did you arrive?”

“A couple of minutes ago; just in time to prevent you from outing yourself at a fuckin’ network party, while – and I want to emphasize this – beating down Chad Michael Murray. Bad day, huh?”

“Worse.” Jensen grabbed a beer that Chris had ordered and took a sip. Maybe he was going for the totally wasted part. “I kissed him. On the plane this morning.”

Jensen looked up and saw Chris raising an eyebrow.

“I don’t know why I did it. I really ... .” He sighed. “He reacted as if I had just shoved a knife through his heart,” he added silently.

Chris huffed and reached for his own beer. “Maybe that’s it. I saw him when I came in: the guy is clearly hurting. He must be as confused as you are, man.” 

They sat there silently for a while. The party behind them was loud and cheerful. Music must have been playing in one of the other rooms, because Chris and Jensen could hear some beats from the bar. The staff were already taking plates of food to another room and the number of guests was slowly diminished in this room.

“I should have told him,” Jensen stated suddenly. “About Danneel.”

“Yeah, you should’ve,” Chris agreed, “But I guess on that matter, Mike is going to be the bigger problem. When he finds out you didn’t tell him about your break up for weeks, jeez, he’s not gonna talk to you for months.” Chris smiled and Jensen actually laughed at that thought.

“I’m gonna tell Jared now.” Jensen shoved his beer towards his friend and stood up. 

“Like now?”

“Yep.”

“This is a really, really bad idea, Jensen.” Chris looked at him in disbelief.

“I know.” But Jensen was already two steps away and wasn't going to bail now. He had to find Jared. He had to tell him. He had to make this right.

 

He found Jared in one of the hallways on the first floor. He was chatting with Eric, Sera and some other man, that Jensen didn’t know. When they spotted him, Jared’s company seemed to have something really important to do at the other end of the hallway, because they nodded towards Jared, then at him and then they were gone.

“Hey,” Jensen said, his mouth had suddenly gone dry.

“Hey.” Jared didn’t look up; his eyes were still glued to the floor.

An awkward silence followed as both men tried to hide their nervousness around the other. 

“Look, about this morning ... .”

“Don’t.” Jared didn’t let Jensen finish his sentence. “Just ... don’t mention it. I’m sorry.”

Jensen looked up and met Jared’s eyes. “No. I’m sorry. I don’t know what I did exactly but somehow I hurt you and I wanna apologize for that, okay?”

Pain flickered in Jared’s eyes before he turned his head away. 

“Jared ... .”

“I’m thinking about leaving the show,” Jared whispered, still not facing Jensen.

 

Jensen felt nausea flowing through his gut and his mind started spinning. “What?” he croaked.

“This whole ... thing. It’s messin’ with us. It’s messin’ with our work; it’s messin’ with our friends. We can’t go on like that. I can’t go on like that.”

“But you can’t leave, Jay.” Jensen grabbed Jared’s shoulder, forcing him to look at him. “No, Jay, please don’t do that.”

The mask he had been wearing all night disappeared from Jared’s face and Jensen winced at the look the younger man gave him.

“You said we can’t go back to being friends,” Jared’s voice was strained and higher than normal. “And you made perfectly clear that you don’t want me. If I can’t have either side of you, what am I gonna have then, Jen? What do you want us to be? Co-workers? I don’t think I can live with that.”

Jensen just stared at Jared for ten seconds, all the time screaming in his head, ‘You can’t leave! You can’t leave me!’. Then he turned around, checking if anyone was near them; he opened the closest door available – a bathroom – checked if someone was in there and after he'd made sure that they were alone, he grabbed Jared’s elbow and dragged him in the room.

Barely waiting for the door to fall shut behind him, he walked to Jared, forcing him to walk backwards 'till he ran into the bathtub. Jensen got even closer, until Jared sat down on the edge of the tub, a confused look on his face, as he looked up at Jensen.

“I want you, Jay, I want you.” With those words, Jensen’s hands flew to Jared’s face, one caressing his cheek, the other sliding into his hair. 

And then their lips met.

Jared responded immediately. His hands grabbing Jensen’s waist, forcing him closer, his tongue flicking out, licking along Jensen’s mouth, sliding between his lips, opening them. They moaned simultaneously when their tongues met, the kiss growing quickly into desperate and hungry and more. 

But then Jared’s moans turned into sobs and hands clinging to Jensen’s hip, he dragged his head away, looked down, his shoulders shaking.

“Jay. Jay.” Jensen tilted his chin up and watched the tears running down Jared’s cheeks and it broke his heart. “Jay.” Gently, he started caressing his face again, stroking through his hair and placing sweet little kisses on Jared’s forehead and temple, then going down, kissing his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his cheeks, his lips. 

“What have I done to you?” Jensen whispered and he felt himself close to crying as well. “Tell me what I did and I’ll do everything to make it better, I promise.”

Jared didn’t answer. But he pulled Jensen closer again; folding his arms behind Jensen’s back and pressing his face against the crook of Jensen’s neck. 

Jensen returned the hug, pressing himself even closer, his face buried in Jared’s hair, closing his eyes. “Jay. Jay.” He couldn’t stop saying his name, didn’t know what else to do. He felt like Dean holding Sam, hoping that this embrace alone would shield them against everything evil in the world.

Of course it didn’t.

 

They both heard somebody speaking into a microphone, saying some sentences, a speech, maybe, though neither could exactly hear the words. And then guests applauded. Apparently, the buffet had been opened.

“You should go,” Jared croaked and shoved Jensen away.

“Jay.”

“No, really, please. You go now and I follow ... later.”

“Jay, come on.”

Jared still didn’t look up. Instead he closed his eyes. “Please, please, please, please.”

Jensen swallowed his own tears down and inhaled deeply. “Okay.” With a last look at the mess named Jared that he left behind, he turned and left the bathroom.

 

On his way down he met Mike. One look at each other and Mike stopped any comment he might have wanted to say. 

“Wanna grab something to eat?” he offered and Jensen just nodded and followed his friend.

The buffet was in a long, big room set on a dozen tables and it was quite impressive. It was the last thing Jensen was interested in right then, but he stayed close to Mike anyway. Not taking anything for himself, Jensen noticed a couple of minutes later that Mike was loading two plates. When Jensen gave him a questioning look, he just shrugged and said,“You have to eat something; just bein’ a good friend, buddy.”

They found a table a little apart from the rest of the crowd and luckily with no one else sitting there. 

“I hate when you do this whole brooding thing.” Mike put one of the plates in front of Jensen. “Eat.”

Jensen didn’t have the energy to fight, much less with Mike, so he took his fork. It was more like playing with the food than actually eating but Mike seemed satisfied.

 

“Hey, would you go and make m’boy eat somethin’? I need to talk to Jensen.” Chad had appeared out of nowhere and was looking at Mike expectantly. Both Jensen’s and Mike’s gaze had turned to the other guests, where they could make out Jared in between them.

Mike glanced towards Jensen, and then stood up. “Sure.”

‘Mike agreeing with Chad is never a good thing’, Jensen thought while Chad was taking Mike’s seat.

His face was serious.

“So you love him?”

“Chad ... .” Jensen’s reply was exhausted and pleading and Chad seemed to take that as a yes.

“That’s good.”

Jensen looked up. “How can that be good? He wants us to be friends again or he wants ... something else from me. But not that. If he ... felt the same way, he would have said something. Anything. Anything other than ...” I want you. But Jensen didn’t say that out loud.

“Did you say something?” Chad palmed his face then watched Jensen again. “See? This is exactly the reason I need to talk to you.”

Jensen sighed heavily and sat back in his chair. “Okay.” His life was a mess anyway. Why not add a talk about his feelings, his gay feelings for his co-star, with Chad Michael fucking Murray?

“There are two things you need to know about Jared to understand what’s going on with him.”

Chad looked more serious than Jensen had ever seen him. It made him feel kind of ... scared.

“The first is: Jared gets what he wants. Always. He just has to ask for something, smile and everybody is stumbling and tripping over each other to be the first to get it for him.”

‘Amen to that’, Jensen thought absently.

“He told me we were going to be friends when I still thought he was just an overgrown puppy. He told me that he was going to have a beautiful, long relationship with Sandy before she even knew who he was.”

“But with you, it’s the first time that I've seen him back off. When it come’s to you, Jensen, he's not demanding, not expecting, not even fighting. He's asking. And happy with everything he gets.”

A shiver went down Jensen’s spine. He didn’t even have the slightest idea how he felt about what Chad had just said.

“And the other thing: I kinda have to confess something.” Chad gave him a weird smile. “When Jared first started shooting with you, I hated you, man.” He laughed and threw his head back. “I really hated you. It was always: ‘Jensen this’ and ‘Jensen that’ and, God, I couldn’t even stand hearing your name. Dude, you know how Jared gets with new people sometimes. But with you: it was even worse. I mean, I love you now, you’re a good guy and all, but back then ... . Dude, I’m man enough to admit that I was so fuckin’ jealous that I hated you without even having seen you before.”

“Your point?” Jensen growled, asking himself repeatedly why he had allowed this conversation in the first place.

“My point is,” Chad turned from mocking to serious in no time, “that that changed the first time I saw you two together: the way you move around each other, the way Jared is when he is with you. It changed because I realised that you were never a threat to me.”

Jensen snorted at that. Fucking, arrogant bastard.

“From day one, you were a threat to Sandy.”

It was like a punch to his guts. Hearing the words from Chad. With the same meaning as what Danneel had said to him.

“What are you ...” his words were strained, so he tried it again, “What are you telling me?”

Chad leaned forward and held Jensen’s gaze. “ I’m tryin’ to tell you ... that Jared has been head over heels in love with you since day. fuckin’. one. and it scares the shit out of him.”

Jensen could hear blood rushing in his ears. No. Way.

“He fought it and he’s suppressed it so much that I don’t know if he was even aware of it at that time. Looking at him now, I think he's finally got it.”

Jensen looked at him, still shocked and disbelieving.

“Where do you think his anxiety comes from? All those suppressed feelings, the fear of losing you? Come on, buddy, it’s like it’s by a book.”

“Why would he ... ? “ Jensen’s voice was more a croaked sound than an actual voice.

“Fight it? What, did you embrace all this? He had a great relationship, a rising career and a great friendship with you. Why would he risk that? And as I said earlier, he worships you, there is no way in hell that he believes you would ever love him back ... like that.”

Chad raised his hands. “Which puts terrible pictures in my head, by the way, and they're really kinda gross.” He made a disgusted sound and it actually made Jensen feel a bit better: to know, that despite this parallel universe he was surely stuck in at the moment, Chad was still Chad. 

But than he sighed and his eyes met Jensen's with a serious look again. “Jared loves you. But he’s never going to do anything about it. So, if you wanna change something, you have to do something about it.”

Jensen didn’t know what expression his face was making right then, but Chris was walking slowly towards them, checking Jensen with a low “You okay?” and then eyeing Chad.

“I'm done here anyway.” Chad stood up, clapping Chris briefly on his shoulder while passing him and then he vanished in the crowd.

“Jensen?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

~++++~


	8. Chapter 8

~++++~

"Jen?" Chris once again took the seat Chad had just left. “Come on, talk to me buddy.”

Jensen snapped out if it and focused on his friend sitting in front of him, wearing an even more concerned look than he had been an hour ago. 

But he couldn’t hold the gaze, couldn’t concentrate on anything other than the words Chad had told him: ‘Jared loves you’ 

Jensen couldn’t think beyond the words, couldn’t even process their meaning. 

“Dude, you're scaring me here,” Chris looked up when Mike joined their group. They exchanged a look, Mike nodding in Jensen’s direction and asking, “What the hell did Murray tell him?” 

“Have no idea.”

“I need to go.” Jensen stood up so quickly that everything went black in front of his eyes for a second and when the dizzyness had been gone, Mike and Chris were standing in front of him. 

“You’re not leaving.”

“You can’t leave,” Mike echoed, “not before the official part is over. You’re expected on stage later on, remember?”

“Fuck!” Jensen only did, because Mike mentioned it. He was supposed to go on stage with Eric, say a couple of words about the new season and blah blah, and Jensen hadn’t minded when he'd been asked, but he definitely minded now because all he wanted to do was just leave.

“Make something up, I don’t care,” he said as he marched past his friends. 

He had to leave this place, he had to be alone, had to think. His mind was swirling and his heartbeat had passed the state of healthy and he needed to get out.

Unaware of his friends following, he all but stormed through the rooms, the halls, suddenly lost in the big house with no memory of where the front door was.

 

When he first spotted outside, behind a door, he went for it, only then realizing that he only had found the back garden. But the fresh air was doing something good regardless and it was a lot less crowded here, since almost everyone was still inside eating.

“Jen?” a gentle, friendly voice was calling him and then, another: “Jen!” came, but this time it wasn’t gentle or friendly in any way. 

Before he could even turn around, a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled him further into the garden. It was already pretty dark and Jensen had yet to regain control over himself, so he stumbled after the huge frame until he was stopped and forced to look up by a hand that tilted his chin before it immediately disappeared again.

They were quite far away from the house by then, tall bushes around them, the pool to Jensen’s right side and it was more quiet as well – the sounds from the party not reaching them.

 

Jensen found himself facing an angry-as-hell-looking Jared. 

“How could you not have told me that?!” 

Jensen’s mind was still too slow - busy processing the change in Jared: from defensive, hurt and fucking crying, to furious rage - to even hear the question properly.

“I’m sick of this game, Jensen! I’m so sick of this! First you push me away; then you kiss me! You tell me to leave, to stop and then you don’t even leave or stop yourself!” Jared was actually shouting at him but the small voice in Jensen’s head that tried to warn him what might happen if anyone would hear them went completely ignored.

“All this time I thought I didn't have any chance with you and now this! God, what game are you playing with me, Jen? You are driving me insane and it’s killing me!”

“I don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Jensen was surprised to hear his voice, weak and confused as it was.

In the dim light between them, Jared’s eyes glistened and his mouth formed a hard, angry line.

“I heard Sophia and Hillary talking: talking about you, Jensen; about Danneel.”

Jensen’s eyes grew wide. Not long ago he had wanted to tell Jared himself, but now he wished he could stop it. Stop Jared from saying what he was going to say, stop Jared from knowing. 

“They said you broke up with her, Jensen. They said you broke up with her because of me.”

Jared looked at him, waiting for any reaction from the older man, but Jensen was silently cursing Danneel. ‘Did she tell everybody?’ But then he mentally kicked himself. He had hurt Danneel; Sophia and Hillary and, hell, even Chad were all her friends, and she had all the right in the world to talk to them and Jensen could be happy that she didn’t hate him and that she'd done all she could to keep it out of the news.

“I broke up with her on that weekend I was here; after we kissed.” Jensen’s voice hadn’t gotten any steadier and he wondered briefly if Jared noticed that this was the first time Jensen had actually acknowledged that they had kissed. Not that Jared had kissed him, not the kiss, they, as in both of them were responsible; both of them had wanted it.

“That was weeks ago, Jen! That was even before all the fighting, before you ... .”

Left. Jensen could hear the word as if Jared had said it out loud. 

“Why ... did all of this happen ... when it was never about ... your girlfriend? Why did you push me away, Jen? What other reason is there? Why were you so angry at me?” 

Jensen felt the goosebumps raising on his arms at the sound of Jared’s voice: thick with emotion; and Jensen could barely stand it. “I never wanted to hurt you.”

Jared closed his eyes briefly and Jensen could almost see Jared’s body shaking from the effort to hold himself back. 

“But you do, Jen. You hurt me, constantly. All this back and forth ... , do you even know what it’s like to be tortured with the one thing you can never have?”

“Jay ... .”

“No! You break me, Jen!”

“God, I’m ..., Jay, I’m ..., I never ... .”

“Why?!” Jared breathed hard through his nose, pain showing in his eyes as well as the anger that didn’t show any sign of easing down. “Why did all this happen? Why did you break up with her, Jen? Why? Why did you do it? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Consciously or not, Jared took a step closer to Jensen and towered above him, demanding an answer. “Why did you break up with her? Is there a reason, I should know? Please, tell me! I need to know it!”

‘Jared is never going to do anything about it? Yeah, right Murray, motherfucker!’

Jensen wanted to bail. He wanted to turn around and run. Maybe he could get back to Mike’s without Jared following him. He could pack his stuff, take the next plane to Texas and hide at home for as long as he needed. 

But then he looked at Jared, really looked, forgot himself for a moment and drank in the sight of the man in front of him: the beautiful young, friendly man, bursting with love and energy that he, Jensen, had turned into a hurting, desperate guy.

Jensen realised that all he had done this whole time was to protect himself from getting hurt. He had hidden his feelings, his heart, so deeply, that nobody could get to it and break it. But Jared here, right now, was already hurting and that just wasn’t fair.

 

Jensen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, tasting the fresh, cool air and letting it calm his racing heart. 

“Because I love you Jared. I’ve fallen in love with you and I don’t know when it started, but I knew it right the second you kissed me, right then I knew it like I know my own name.” 

He paused, feeling the strength flowing back into his voice with every word.

“I fought it. I didn’t understand it, it scared me and I couldn’t handle it, but back then there’s never been a doubt that I do love you and there isn’t a doubt now.” 

He took in another deep breath, but there was no stopping now, no more hesitation. 

“And I fought you. Because I thought this was just fun for you, just sex, just an experiment and then you would go on and laugh about it. And I was so angry at you, at me, at us ... ‘cause I was so afraid that I would go with it. That I would give you what you want, just to be left behind in the end. I was ... so ... afraid, because no one had ever been able to do this to me. See, Jared, I couldn’t do it. If this all I am for you, I can’t do it.”

Their eyes locked and Jensen forgot where he was. All that mattered was right in front of him: was Jared.

“I can’t be a ... an affair to you and then - when you fell in love with someone else - walk away from that. I couldn’t walk away from that. I couldn’t walk away from you. Because I love you so goddamn much, I want everything with you, everything of you. Not just your body, not just your friendship. I want everything. I love you.”

This is my heart. It’s all yours now. Please, don’t break it.

The last words hadn't been much more than a whisper. 

Jensen stared at Jared. Jared stared back, eyes so wide in surprise or shock, not moving, barely blinking.

“What?” Jared exhaled the question, his body shuddering.

“But didn’t you expect that answer? When you heard the girls talking?”

“I didn’t expect you to mean it.” Jared’s voice was croaked and shredded and so full of astonishment, that it hurt Jensen to know that Jared had never really thought that Jensen could love him.

“Because this is what you do, Jensen, this is exactly what you do! You do and say everything to make me feel better.”

“But I’m not lying about this. I’m not pretending. I love you, Jay.”

“I know,” that whisper again and Jared’s facial expression didn’t change, the shock still written on his face.

Silence grew longer between them. If Jensen could have heard anything besides the blood rushing in his ears, it would just have been their breathing and maybe even the thrumming of their hearts.

“Jared, please say something.” Jensen’s words were pleading and he didn’t care one bit. 

Jensen had never done something like this before, never admitted his love to someone, unsure of the answer. And it was so different to everything else. It wasn't even quite like admitting feelings like 'want' and 'need'. It was an epic step away from all of that: offering his heart, his soul.

His mind, never deciding on one direction, went on overload again. 

‘He doesn’t love me. Murray is wrong. He was wrong before and he is definitely wrong about this. All Jared wanted was sex; and a friend. He doesn’t love me. He doesn’t want this. And now he doesn’t know how to tell me. He just wanted his friend back. He just wanted me to say that we were going to be okay again, that we’re still friends. I’m gonna kill Murray. God, how could I believe him?’

Jensen felt exposed and naked and insecure like he had never felt before in his life. He had laid his heart on a plate and given it to Jared and Jared was just going to let it fall down. 

“I ... I don’t know what to say,” croaked Jared and Jensen couldn’t read any answers that he needed to hear so badly.

‘Murray? So dead!’

 

Someone cleared their throat behind them. Both men jumped at the sound and swirled around. With the light coming from the house, they could make out Tom; Mike and Chris a few steps behind him. He was just coming closer and from the position the others were standing he fortunately couldn’t have heard anything that had been said between Jared and Jensen.

“I really, really don’t want to disturb you right now, but, Jen, you’re needed on stage.”

“Not now,” Jen growled. He needed an answer!

“I’m sorry, man, but yes, right now!”

“Tom, go. Leave us the fuck alone.” Jensen couldn’t remember a time he'd ever used this tone with his friend, but he was beyond caring right now, beyond everything. He. Needed. His. Answer.

Even in the dim light Jensen could see Tom’s jaw clench. “No, Jensen. You have to come with me now. It’s not my fault, but you have to. You know Eric is on that stage and he's had to carry the can for you guys already. The network is on him for the last few weeks, man, and you know it. If you don’t come with me and get on that stage; there will be trouble, for you, for Jay, for Eric and everybody else on the crew. Jen, please, come with me.”

Jensen knew Tom was right. He could feel the guilt rising in his guts. But his eyes turned to Jared once more, pleading, begging silently for an answer. But Jared was still staring at him, still frozen in place.

“Jay?” Jensen tried one last time but he got no reaction from the other man.

With a last look at him, he turned around, his unsteady feet taking him towards the house.

 

He was grateful to have Tom before him. If it wasn’t for him guiding the way, Jensen wouldn’t have been able to get his mind to focus on where he was supposed to go. This way, he only had to tell his feet to follow Tom.

So he did, quietly. Tom didn’t say anything and either did Jensen. But his mind was screaming.

‘I destroyed everything. I made it worse. If only I could have kept my damn mouth shut. Jared doesn’t love me. Not like that. God, what was I thinking? ‘

They reached the hall where a small stage had been built with instruments on it for the band which was going to play later. The guests had already filled the hall, but the noise created by so many people talking and laughing didn’t even reach Jensen’s consciousness. 

‘He is straight. He had a girlfriend for fuck’s sake and even if he wanted me, he damn well is not gonna switch teams now. How could I be so stupid? How could I speak about love and relationships? God, as if Jared would want to do that! Come out to friends and family, move in together and live happily ever after? Yeah, right, Jen! Christ, what were you thinking?’

“Jen, you feeling okay?” Tom had a hand on his shoulder and must have shaken it at least twice before Jensen could get his attention on him. 

He managed a nod. 

Tom hesitated a few seconds, before letting go of him. 

Eric appeared behind Tom, his face showing relief at the sight of Jensen. Apparently he hadn’t thought he'd show up. 

“Hey, Jensen, you’re ready?”

Jensen nodded again, still not sure if his voice was working.

A shadow darkened Eric’s face and he sighed heavily. “Just read the damn prompter. Remember that you’re an actor and do your job, please? After this damn party, I’m gonna get you guys counselling or a psychiatrist, hell, even a priest if you want one, but, please, Jensen don’t fuck this up.”

The look on Eric's face in front of him reminded Jensen of something he had promised himself a long time ago: He'd never wanted to mess his personal stuff with his work. Because with him being an actor, people relied on him, people's jobs even depended on him. 

He took a deep breath and swallowed his feelings down. He had humiliated himself in front of Jared by showing him his heart; he wasn’t going to humiliate himself in front of everybody else.

“I’m not gonna fuck this up, Eric.” It surprised even him, how strong his voice sounded. 

“Good.” 

Only when the sound of applause reached Jensen’s ears, did he notice that the official part had begun. Some important network people were on stage, saying something about the last season and this season and their hopes and expectations and Jensen couldn’t quite manage to follow the rest. 

Eric, him, Tom and Hillary were next. They stepped up on the stage and stood in a loose line before the other guests. Jensen felt a hundred eyes on him, the light blinded him a little, but he couldn’t stop himself from searching the room with his eyes, looking for Jared’s tall frame. He knew he would have spotted immediately if he was there. His part was right after Eric's and he couldn’t tell if he managed to sound normal as he read his sentences off the prompter, but no one was looking at him funny and when he glanced at Eric he could see the man beginning to relax. 

 

It was when Hillary started her part, that Jensen saw him. He was at the end of the hall, looking up to the stage, looking up to Jensen. 

Jensen’s heart sped up again and his gaze wouldn’t leave the younger man, even if he'd wanted to. Screw his job, fuck his pride and dignity, he loved that man, he needed that man and if everything was written on his face right now as he stared down to Jared, fuck, screw that too!

Somewhere in a small part of his mind he noticed Tom was talking, making the guests laugh at a joke the writers had written for him on the prompter, but Jensen stood on the stage, motionless.

His eyes were locked with Jared’s, the younger man still wearing a confused and shocked expression on his face and Jensen could tell even from there, that Jared’s mind was racing just like his. 

 

And then Jensen felt the earth stop. Or something as dramatic as that, because Jared had started moving, had started walking in his direction. Their eyes never leaving each other's, Jared came closer to the stage, step by step. Jensen wondered, wether the other people were feeling it too, the shift in the air; the change in the atmosphere and then he thought how could they not, because suddenly he wasn’t able to breathe anymore. It wasn’t like Jared was making his way through the crowd by pushing people aside or forcing them to step back, but it might as well have been, because Jensen felt his presence approaching like a fucking force of nature. 

He would be there in a heartbeat, one more and he would be on stage and Jensen knew what was going to happen then. Because Jared’s eyes were alive again; lit up like a goddamn christmas tree and now, with Jared back on it, the earth didn’t just start turning again, but spinning, bursting with energy. Jensen knew what was going to happen, in front of everybody, and he couldn’t care less, his lips tingling in anticipation.

 

But then Jared stopped, their eyes lost contact and Jensen took a minute to process what had happened.

That second, applause rose up from the crowd and Tom's hand was on the small of Jensen’s back, gently forcing him to get off the stage. 

When he was ground level again, he got to Jared just in time to hear him ask someone else, “What the fuck, man?”

He had his arms up, and was looking down at his shirt, which was dripping with some yellowish liquid. 

“I’m so sorry, man, I slipped. I’m just so damn clumsy sometimes.” Mike looked from Jared to Jensen, an empty glass in his hand and his face showing absolutely no sign of regret.

“Jen, my friend,” he announced loudly and clearly, maybe too loud, “get Jared here back to my place. I guess I have some of Tom’s shirts he can have.” He fished the keys out of his pocket and held them out to Jensen. When Jensen went to grab them, he was pulled into a hug by his friend and kept there, while Mike whispered in his ear: “You guys kept eyefucking each other ever since you got on that stage, buddy, you take him to my place, change his damn shirt and come back. If you two go anywhere other than the guest room, you’ll buy me a new house, we clear?” 

Jensen heard what Mike said and then he heard what Mike said. It took one more heartbeat for him to find he didn’t care, snatch the keys, nod to Jared and both men started walking simultaneously.

 

They made their way down the block in record time. They walked far apart from each other, Jensen knowing he wouldn’t make it to the house if Jared had been any closer. But they made it and Jensen fumbled with the key for the front door, but finally, finally, the door opened.

The next thing he knew was that the door shut with a loud noise and then Jared was suddenly all over him. Hands fisting his shirt, mouth sealing his lips, they both crashed into the door, into each other and Jensen moaned into the kiss, before his hands found Jared’s arms, pulling him even closer.

And it was relief. It was like water, like oxygen for a dying man: to have this, to have him like this. 

Licking, biting and clawing on each other, it took Jensen some time and effort to say, “Guest room.... Or Mike’s gonna kill me.”

He didn’t even know whether Jared had heard him or not but then his back wasn't touching the door anymore, and he felt himself walking, although he had no idea how that was humanly possible with Jared pressing against him.

Then he was swirled around, Jared behind him, pushing him forward and Jensen was only reacting by instinct when he kept on going, struggling to remember where the damn guest room was in the first place. 

When he was slammed into the next wall, Jared rolling his hips against his ass and biting his neck, he actually considered buying Mike a new house. He needed to have this, have him, right the fuck now. 

“God, Jared, please.”

“Love your skin, Jensen,” Jared breathed against his neck, biting and licking and sucking like he couldn’t get enough of it. “Love your taste, love how you smell, it makes me crazy.”

Then Jared whirled him around again and Jensen knew he should be annoyed at the way he was being manhandled but he really couldn’t think why that was a bad thing, as Jared attacked his mouth and kissed him senseless. 

And maybe this was exactly what Mike had meant and warned him not do in his house, but Jensen’s hand found Jared’s zipper, pulled it down and then Jared’s cock was in his hand: hard, leaking precome and fucking perfect.

Jared groaned, stopped kissing and rested his forehead against Jensen’s when Jensen started sliding up and down, adding pressure and then twisting his hand as Jared’s breathing got erratic and fuck Mike. 

Okay, bad choice of words. Fuck Jay sounded way more appealing.

And Jensen didn’t know what had gotten into him, maybe it was having the upper hand now (so to speak) and Jared squirming against him, but wicked thoughts were crossing his mind and damn it if he had no experience with these things but he was going to do it anyway. 

He kept on stroking Jared’s cock, but lessened the pace. He started kissing Jared lightly, roaming nips and kisses over his face, then his neck. With his free hand, he ripped the shirt away and continued. He could taste the sweetness of the cocktail Mike had spilled over him as he licked his way down Jared’s collarbone, the nipples – each earning hissing and cursing and moaning, ‘Jen’ from Jared – then down to his stomach.

Jensen was on his knees by then and he wasn’t sure how Jared couldn't have guessed where this was going, but when Jensen’s lips brushed the tip of Jared’s cock, the man's knees buckled, a loud groan escaped his lips and he stared down at Jensen, looking amazed and so damn hard he was shaking.

“God, Jen, yeah ... please... Jen, you ... your mouth. ... God, please, Jen, please.”

Jared’s hands grabbed Jensen’s head, fisting his hair, trembling with the effort not to push, not to shove his cock right into Jensen’s mouth and fuck him.

And just like that, after one lick along the length of Jared’s cock, Jensen dived right in and sucked it into his mouth. 

“nnghyeah, godyes.” 

Jared kept going, saying filthy, stupid, incoherent things while his taste exploded on Jensen’s tongue and Jensen started moaning around the thick pulse of Jared’s cock inside his mouth.

There was no way he could be any good at this, had never even thought about sucking a guy off before, but for now, it was the best thing Jensen could imagine: Jared’s cock in his mouth, Jared’s hand clinging to Jensen’s head, Jared squirming and babbling and groaning with need. 

With one hand he kept stroking the shaft, his head bobbing up and down, trying new angles as his tongue swirled around Jared’s cock, licked the head, the slit and Jensen was so lost in the sensation, that he didn’t even feel the change in the way Jared’s hands were clinging to him: that they were pulling now.

“Jen, I’m ... gonna ... fuckyeah, Jen!”

Jared pulled Jensen’s head away, his cock sliding out with a wet pop, and then his body was jerking, hot streaks of come landing all over Jensen’s face, his shirt, the floor.

Jensen grabbed Jared by his hips, steadying him and then looked up, saw the pleasure pain fading from Jared’s face and then he opened his eyes again and their gaze locked, he could see the lust dark color of his eyes and that sight right there was the hottest thing Jensen had ever seen.

He could feel the come drooling off his face and he reached out with a finger, brought it to his mouth and licked his finger clean, enjoying the taste, enjoying the look on Jared’s face and the low growl he made as he watched Jensen.

“Fuck, Jen ... you ... .”

Jared’s voice was so hoarse that it made Jensen painfully aware of his own throbbing cock in his jeans.

“Fuck.” In a sudden movement, Jared was no longer standing but lying on top of Jensen, licking over his face, licking it clean and then finding his way to his mouth. The kiss was messy: wet and hitting teeth and open mouthed and perfect while Jared ground down on Jensen, his thigh rubbing Jensen’s cock and it didn’t take more than ten seconds for Jensen to call Jared’s name and come, without anyone touching his dick at all. 

*****

“Jen?” 

“Hm?”

“Come on, wake up. Look at me.”

Jared’s heart stuttered as Jensen opened his eyes and the emerald green cut deep into him - in a good way now.

“I love you, Jensen,” Jared whispered, his own feelings suddenly too overwhelming to keep his voice even.

“You do?” Jensen’s reaction was almost shy and it would have been funny with the two men lying on top of each other, half naked, in the hallway of Mike Rosenbaum’s house.

But it wasn’t funny. It was the sweetest sound to Jared and it made his heart ache.

“Yeah. God, I love you so fuckin’ much. And if you wanna have it, I’ll give you everything I have, everything I am.” He didn’t care how cheesy he sounded, he meant every word and, by the look in Jensen’s eyes and the small smile that was appearing on his face, he didn’t either.

Jensen leaned forward and the sweetest little kiss brushed over Jared’s lips. “Took us long enough, huh?”

“Yeah.” Jared’s left hand came up and caressed Jensen’s face. God, how he loved his face, his skin, this man.

 

“We have to go, though.”

Jared groaned in annoyance. “I know.”

With a deep sigh, both of them stood up, their faces blushing as they looked up and down each other and Jensen turned around.

“Ahh, there you are.” He took two steps and opened the door to the guest room, Jared laughing behind him.

It didn’t take them much time to have a quick shower and change their clothes and only twice was their effort threatened by heavy make-out sessions, but finally, they were clean and out of the house again.

Somehow it felt crazy to go back to that party, which felt weeks away right now and walking next to each other and not being able to touch, to hold, to kiss was just ridiculous. 

And when they entered the villa again, they couldn’t quite manage to keep from grinning at each other like crazy. 

“Oh, god, you’re actors, for fuck’s sake,” Mike groaned as he saw them, handing either man a bottle of beer like he had been waiting at the door. “Try to act and not look like you had just the best sex of your lives, damn it.”

Mike grimaced and then shook his head and shuddered. “Gross picture, gross picture.”

The two men laughed and Jared looked at Jensen, and felt his chest bursting with happiness. All the pain he had felt just a few hours ago was gone so completely it was as though it had never been there in the first place. Jensen must have felt Jared’s gaze on him, because he looked up and smiled that perfect smile and again Jared had to give all he had to not reach out and grab him and hold him forever.

When Jensen’s eyes fell on something else and his face dropped his happy look, Jared turned around to find Chad standing at the other end of the room.

“What is it?”

“Fuck. I owe him an apology,” Jensen muttered and it sounded so grumpy that Jared all but barked his huge laugh until he could feel tears in his eyes.

“Dude, that’s not funny,” Jensen hissed.

“Oh, yeah it damn well is. What have you done to owe Chad an apology? Man, you’re in trouble.” Jared still chuckled when his eyes fell on Jensen again who wore a face that was almost pouting. “It’s okay, baby,” Jared whispered and felt excitement rush through him at his own words: being able to say them, being able to mean them. “You can call him tomorrow.”

 

They made their way into the hall where the band was busy playing. Tom, Chris and Kristin found them moments after they had entered the room and all three of them were grinning happily to see both guys. They couldn’t even dream of keeping their faces from showing their happiness.

It was a couple of minutes later, when the band was playing a beautiful, slow song and the chatting at their table had died down, when Jensen suddenly looked up at Jared, hopeful, happy and loving, as he reached out his hand, offering it with a small smile on his face.

Jared looked at the hand, looked around the room full of people he knew and people he didn’t know and then he looked at Jensen’s face and a smile formed on his lips. In one sure move, he grabbed Jensen’s hand, got behind the older man and wrapped his arms possessively around him. With closed eyes, he rested his chin on Jensen’s shoulder, felt his heat soaking into his own body and inhaled the scent of his skin. 

And although he heard the murmurs and gasps around them, with Jensen’s body leaning against him, sure and steady, he felt relaxed for the first time; maybe in a lifetime.

~++++~


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the epilogue was written because I was nicely asked to do so ;)

~++++~

November, weeks later, Chicago

 

„So, ... uhm ... .“ Jared glanced over to Jensen, who stood next to the window, busy getting on his shirt. When he heard Jared’s hesitant voice, he looked up, a frown on his face. 

“What is it?”

“I really, really, wanna do that.” Jared kept his voice low and smooth and right on the edge of pleading and he knew that that was mean, because it always got to Jensen, when Jared sounded like this, but the fact was, he really wanted to do that.

Jensen closed his eyes for a second and sighed. “Jay, we talked about it already. I’m glad the fans think this whole party thing was a prank we pulled. I just … I’m just not comfortable with sharing my life with everyone.”

“I know.” Jared whispered and he felt bad, although he still wanted to do it. “It’s just … .” He stopped right there because he knew it was totally unfair to talk Jensen into something he didn’t want to do.

Jensen came closer, right into Jared’s personal space and the warmth radiating off of him already made Jared feel better. He took a deep breath and not for the first time he asked himself, how he could ever had been able to breathe properly without Jensen near him. And yes, that was a girly thing to think, but if he was honest with himself, it wasn’t the most girliest thing he could come up with and still mean it whole-heartedly.

“Why is that so important to you?”

“I don’t know,” Jared answered honestly. “We told our parents, we told our friends, we told the crew …, now I think we should tell the fans too, you know? They’re part of our lives, too, … somehow.” He laughed silently. “I don’t know. It’s just … it feels like the right thing to do, okay?”

Jensen still wore that frown on his face and if it wouldn’t mean something was wrong most of the time, Jared would love to see that more often, because it looked so fucking beautiful.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to bring it up again. I know how you feel about this and … it’s okay. But you’ll allow me to tease them a little bit longer, right? Give them little pieces they can squee over?” Jared was grinning wickedly and Jensen couldn’t resist that sort of smile, even if he wanted to.

He smiled back, chuckling a little. “You know that I love you, Padalecki?”

Jared’s grin grew even wider and he entangled his friend – his boyfriend – in a tight hug. “Yeah and even if you wouldn’t tell me that everyday, I guess it’s the one thing I will always know for sure.” Jared meant it. And that was, amongst every other thing in his life, the one thing that made him the happiest person on the planet.

“Panel starts in five!” Someone outside shouted to the closed door.

“Need to go,” Jared mumbled.

“Hm,” was Jensen’s response, but he didn’t let Jared go before catching his lips and kissing him gently.

“You’re a fucking tease, you know that?” Jared groaned, but let go of Jensen.

“Yep.” Jensen grinned proudly towards him. “So, come on, make the girls squee, big guy.”

 

It was at the very end of the panel, that Jared noticed Jensen started to get a little nervous. Trying real hard not to let anyone notice his confusion, he tried to give him some secret looks, trying to figure out what was wrong. But Jensen didn’t want to meet his eyes, just kept on changing his position in the chair every three seconds and started babbling again, what he hadn't done the whole panel.

The panel had been great actually. The questions hadn’t been that stupid, everybody was laughing a lot and Jared did manage to throw some funny stories in that would keep the J2 fans busy for the next couple of weeks, he thought.

But when they were told there were only five minutes left, Jensen suddenly got up and took a step forward to the crowd.

And you didn’t need to know Jensen Ackles one bit to be able to tell that he was nervous like hell and Jared’s mind started to wonder, what that was about. And he couldn’t hide his concerns anymore and frowned at Jensen. That second, the hall went dead quiet.

“Uhm … there’s something … I … we … kinda wanna ... say.”

Right that second it clicked in Jared’s mind and he felt his jaw drop, but couldn’t quite manage to care at the moment.

He was not!

If Jared had been able to concentrate on any other thing than Jensen, he would have seen the huge eyes in the faces of their fans, some of them covering their mouths with a hand, other exchanging confused looks.

“Well, I’m sorry, that it took us so long to tell you and that you’re kinda the last ones to find out, uhm … but,” at that Jensen smiled vaguely and scratched the hair above his ear. “It’s kinda my fault, actually, and I’m sorry.”

He let his eyes wander around the room, before he took in a deep breath and then turned his head to look at Jared.

“Jay?” His voice was barely more than a whisper, when he hold out his hand, offering it to Jared like had done on the party.

Jared couldn’t move for a heartbeat, but then he got up, a smile on his face, growing wider every second. He took the offered hand and entangled their fingers. After one look at each other, both faced the crowd at the same time.

“Yeah,” was all Jared said.

 

At first nothing happened. The fans were staring at them with blank expressions on their faces.

Exactly three seconds later, the room burst into cheers. People were laughing, and clapping their hands and actually hugging each other and cheering so loud that both men jerked at the sudden noise.

“You’re awesome,” Jared said quietly to Jensen and inched a little closer.

“Yeah. And crazy,” he replied, giving one of his best Dean impressions.

“I love you,” Jared whispered, but some girls in the front row must have caught in anyway, because the noise got even louder and Jared could swear he saw some girls crying.

“Dude?” Jensen frowned at Jared again. “You know that we’re gonna get the biggest ‘I told you so’ in history?”

~++++~


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another prompt I gladly went wild with ;)

~++++~

alternative ending (or what would have happened if Mike hadn't stopped Jared)

 

It was when Hillary started her part, that Jensen saw him. He was at the end of the hall, looking up to the stage, looking up to Jensen.

Jensen’s heart sped up again and his gaze wouldn’t leave the younger man, even if he'd wanted to. Screw his job, fuck his pride and dignity, he loved that man, he needed that man and if everything was written on his face right now as he stared down to Jared, fuck, screw that too!

Somewhere in a small part of his mind he noticed Tom was talking, making the guests laugh at a joke the writers had written for him on the prompter, but Jensen stood on the stage, motionless.

His eyes were locked with Jared’s, the younger man still wearing a confused and shocked expression on his face and Jensen could tell even from there, that Jared’s mind was racing just like his.

 

And then Jensen felt the earth stop. Or something as dramatic as that, because Jared had started moving, had started walking in his direction. Their eyes never leaving each other's, Jared came closer to the stage, step by step. Jensen wondered, whether the other people were feeling it too, the shift in the air; the change in the atmosphere and then he thought how could they not, because suddenly he wasn’t able to breathe anymore. It wasn’t like Jared was making his way through the crowd by pushing people aside or forcing them to step back, but it might as well have been, because Jensen felt his presence approaching like a fucking force of nature.

He would be there in a heartbeat, one more and he would be on stage and Jensen knew what was going to happen then. Because Jared’s eyes were alive again; lit up like a goddamn Christmas tree and now, with Jared back on it, the earth didn’t just start turning again, but spinning, bursting with energy. Jensen knew what was going to happen, in front of everybody, and he couldn’t care less, his lips tingling in anticipation.

If Jensen had been able to focus on anything else than Jared, he would have heard the murmurs rise from the crowd, or seen the confused looks on all their faces but as it was, his gaze still held Jared’s as he climbed on the stage.

Jared reminded him of Sam now, wearing the same look like he had on Mystery Spot, when he had gotten Dean back: like he just had to be fast enough, grab him and if he never let go, everything would be okay.

But when he was there, right in front of him, his hands reaching for his face, it was Jared; Jared who looked desperate and happy at the same time, Jared who pressed their foreheads together, Jared who finally leaned in and kissed him.

Jensen’s hand flew to his waist, gripping tight and tugging closer. His lips parted under Jared’s tongue and when he tasted him, he knew that he was right where he belonged.

With him.

Jared broke the kiss and forced Jensen’s eyes on him. “I love you,” he whispered, every emotion playing on his face: love, joy, need, relief. “I love you, I love you.”

“Okay,” Jensen answered breathlessly but with a smile on his face. His true, honest smile and he could practically feel the happiness radiate off of Jared.

“I want everything, too, Jen. I want to give you everything you want, everything I am.”

Every other time, Jensen would have laughed about the cheesiness of his words, but this time his answer to Jared was a simple: “I love you.” And it meant everything.

 

Someone cleared their throat and when both men looked up, it was Tom again, with an amused smile on his face. “You guys do realise that you’re on a stage, right?”

Still clinging to each other, they turned to face the people surrounding them. Eric wore a shocked impression and an almost pale face and later on, Jensen would feel pity for him, being the last one to find out. But right now he was too busy with the excitement, with the feeling of Jared in his hands, with the promise in his eyes.

Kristin had a blinding grin on her face, standing next to the stage and even Sophia was smiling a small smile when Jensen met her eyes. Chad was cheering from somewhere in the crowd and Chris just nodded towards them.

The rest of the hall was dead silent. They all were staring at them, some people with grins on their faces, some with confusion, but as far as Jensen could see, none with disgust. But then he returned his eyes to Jared, responding his smile and the sparkling in his eyes that was all new now and yet so familiar, and he realised he wouldn’t have cared.

“Get yourself a room!” someone shouted and when they both looked up again, it was Mike who grinned at them, with a hand raised, holding something in it.

It just took two seconds for Jensen to grab Jared's hand, get off the stage and snatch the key out of Mike's hand.

the end.

~++++~


End file.
